


What If It’s Us?

by Krissy, YourDearOldFriend



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Drama, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-05 22:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16375913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krissy/pseuds/Krissy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourDearOldFriend/pseuds/YourDearOldFriend
Summary: Three months after the play Jeremy is supposed to finally enjoy his remaining years in high school, now that he is going out with Christine. But his friendship with Michael still needs mending and now that his SQUIP is back, he notices his feelings shift into a direction he didn't see coming. He soon has to feel the disadvantages of falling in love with someone who only exists in his head.





	1. Chapter 1

Looking back on it I should have noticed something was wrong so much earlier. I guess it all really started back on that evening in December.

 

It’s winter and we are shopping for Christmas presents, which, thinking of it, is a stupid idea, considering we were buying presents _for_ each other. Christine’s excited about it, pointing at various items and squeezing my arm whenever she finds something cute or festive while I tell her about how my dad and I celebrate Hanukkah. 

The voice in my head that belongs to my reactivated SQUIP keeps suggesting Christmas presents, he’s hovering next to us, now and then pointing at windows or mumbling a: _“A personal gift is much more valued than a bought one.”_

I do mind surprisingly little. The SQUIP had changed a bit after the incident at the play. I mean, he still looks the same and sometimes throws snarky comments at my head but after I practically achieved my goal with dating Christine, he’s not trying to take over other students anymore. And I sort of adjusted to him just being there. 

I’m miserable at crafting things though, I answer in my head, remembering my pathetic tries to wrap gifts last year. 

He raises his brows, smirking a bit. 

_“It’s not that difficult. And Christine undoubtedly is someone who would appreciate that.”_

Right. I look at her from the side, she looks happy. Her brown eyes are shining, reflecting the colorful Christmas lights of the streets, her smile is beautiful. Maybe I’d give it another try. 

_“Stop staring so much. It’s creepy and you’ll walk into a lamp post in about three seconds.”_

My head snaps up and I sway a bit to the side, Christine giggles. I chuckle, putting my arm around her, pulling her closer. 

We’ve been dating for about three months now. A week or so after the play we went on our first date and it had gone better than I could’ve ever imagined. Even without a computer in my brain telling me what to do. 

Speaking of it, my SQUIP points forward at a little café, illuminated by various fairy lights and festive decorations. 

_“Suggest to go in there. She’s starting to freeze.”_

“You’re cold, aren’t you? How about we sit down for a bit? In there?” I gesture to it and Christine nods, giving me a thankful look. My SQUIP smiles at me as if he’s content with my decision to obey. I give a smug smile back. I’m long done with following his orders or pretending to be someone I’m not. Even though sometimes, I admit, I regret not doing what he suggests. Most of the time it turns out really good after all. 

He had been gone for a while, after I gave Christine the Mountain Dew Red and destroyed every SQUIP in my school. A week and a half later I started hearing him again and he explained to me how Mountain Dew Red didn’t really destroy him because he had upgraded and put him into more of a temporary sleep mode. 

He is different, now that he doesn’t have an objective anymore, no goal of mine to achieve. So I’ve gotten used to him, he was of a lot of help after all, especially with school stuff. He isn’t electroshocking me anymore, he merely gives me advice or helpes me out with my homework. Which is pretty useful. 

“Cute”, Christine comments as we enter the café, I only hum an agreement, it was quite cozy and smelled of cinnamon and spiced coffee. We settle down at a table in a corner, Christine takes my hand and starts babbling about play rehearsal, like she does most of the time. I quit theatre for the time being, it wasn’t really my thing to stand in the middle of a stage in front of an audience. Not even with a SQUIP telling me my lines. I’ll be on the other side of the curtain, supporting my girlfriend.

We both order a hot chocolate and talk about the upcoming Christmas play. It’s heartwarming to see Christine so happy and excited about it, I’ll definitely come to see it. My SQUIP’s standing next to me, leaning against the wall and watching the people outside pass by. I try not to look at him to not make Christine suspicious. She doesn’t know he is back and I don’t plan on telling her. Or anyone, in fact. The only person who knows is Michael. Well, he doesn’t know, but he suspects. I’m a terrible liar, but I haven’t admitted it yet. I know what he would say if he knew though. But I don’t plan on getting rid of my SQUIP again. I wouldn’t even know how. 

I’m sipping on my chocolate, my thoughts drift off, Christine’s words fade into the background. 

I know it’s weird but a part of me had been glad when he suddenly was back. It wasn’t that I was dependent on him, not really, but it was... nice to not be alone with my thoughts. Or alone in general. I mean, I still have Michael and Christine and even my dad but still... I don’t want to give that up. He’s not hurting me, he’s been very helpful these last months almost as if he’s trying to make up for what he had done in the past. Keeping me away from my best friend, making me break Brooke’s heart and ruining the school play. Maybe some part of his program tells him to do that. 

“What do you think, Jeremy?”

Shit. I haven’t been paying attention to what she was saying. I pause with the cup on my lips, casting my SQUIP a glance. What? 

_“I suggest you listen to your girlfriend next time and stop thinking about me.”_

A hot feeling of embarrassment is creeping into my cheeks and I promptly choke on my hot chocolate. 

“Oh!” Christine immediately rushes to pat my back, I cough a few times, grabbing the napkin. 

 “I’m fine.” 

She giggles, stroking over my back. I decide to use this to my advantage.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Christine’s smile gets softer, even a bit shy, she intwines her hands in her lap.

“Well, uhm... My parents actually aren’t home tonight and I was wondering if you’d maybe like to come over?” 

I turn to meet her eyes in surprise. Christine’s smiling as always but there is a weird sparkle in her eyes I have never seen before. She leans a bit closer, squeezing my hand. 

“Uhm...”

_“She wants to sleep with you, Jeremy. You should say yes.”_

What? Really? I never– I mean, of course I thought about it, but not really in a that’s-about-to-happen way. Wow. I suddenly feel nervous and I fake a cough to cover up my probably still bright red face. 

“Uh, sure. I’d love to.”

I would, right? It means a lot that she’s trusting me that much and feels comfortable around me, that she likes me so much to invite me over and well... do _that_. 

Christine beams at me, leaning in and presses a kiss to my cheek.

“Great! At six? We can order pizza and watch a movie. No alcohol though.” She gives me a look, I wave it off, gently brushing my hand across her cheek, bopping her nose.

“Fine with me. As long as you are there.”

She snorts and grabs my hand, pulling it down, cheeks slightly flushed.

“Stop, Jeremy, we’re in public.”

I grin and shrug, wrap my arm around her waist again. 

“I’m not doing anything.”

She shoves me playfully and I shove her back, she shoves me again and I almost fall of my chair. 

“Stop!” Christine muffles her laugh with her hands and I snort at her flushed face. We quickly change into a conversation about rehearsal again, before I pay for our chocolates and we leave the little café again.

We walk back down the street, hands intertwined in comfortable silence, while I can’t stop thinking about later this evening.

 

I arrive at home an hour later and flop down on my bed, my thoughts spinning. I have about one and a half hour until six o’clock, enough time to... what? Get prepared? 

_“You should shower and change your clothes. Also buy condoms.”_

I give him a glare, he’s leaning against the wall again, arms crossed in front of his chest. I figured that much, thank you. I nervously strip out of my shoes and jacket, eyeing him warily.

“Can you turn around?” 

The SQUIP smirks but simply closes his eyes and I strip out of my clothing and slip onto the bathroom. I turn the tap of the shower on and let the hot water run over my body. 

Okay. I can definitely do this. I mean, I want this, right? We’ve been together for a long time and I liked her for much longer and I would be lying if I said I never thought about this. Still. There’s so much I can do wrong. What if accidentally hurt her? What if I’m horrible and she never wants to see me again? No, Christine is the most understanding person I know. And it’ll be her first time too, right? Maybe it’ll be a bit awkward, but that’s fine. She’s probably feeling nervous about it too. I’m an idiot for worrying so much. 

I squeeze some shampoo from the bottle into my hand, thoroughly rubbing it into my hair. Besides, I have my SQUIP, he’ll tell me what to do. Wait. No. No, I’ve gotta deactivate him for that, I can’t have him there with us, that would be way too weird. I feel the blood shooting in my head even at the thought of that. But do I know what to do without him? I mean, technically yes. I’ve watched enough porn for that. I can manage without him. 

I take a deep breath and turn off the shower, grabbing my towel. Rubbing my body dry I try not think about what Christine will think when she sees this. I look better than I did a few months ago, the fine lines of what the push-ups did to my stomach, a bit more muscles instead of just my lanky pale body. I hope it’s not too bad, my self confidence still isn’t very high. I wrap the towel around my waist and return to my room. 

My SQUIP’s standing there at the window, gazing outside. I grab fresh clothes out of my closet, when he suddenly steps next to me and gazes over my shoulder at my pants and t-shirts.

_“Don’t pick those”_ , he points at the pair of jeans in my hand. _“They’re too tight and it’ll take ages to get out of them. Pick those.”_

I grab a black one instead, waiting for him to choose a shirt too. I suppose he was right. I never thought about what to wear before having sex but thinking of it, it kinda was important. 

_“The white one’s good.”_ He gestures to it and I take it, pulling it over my head and put on the pants as well. I try ignoring his presence behind me while I get dressed, not that I can feel it anyway. I turn around with an expectant expression and he eyes me and gives a content nod. 

_“You look good.”_

“Thanks” I say, glancing down on myself, it feels good to hear that. Hopefully Christine would think so too. 

I walk around him and sit down on my bed, looking up at him. He’s returning my gaze. I bite my lip, my hands grabbing each other in my lap, I’m already starting to sweat again. Why is he looking at me like that? 

_“You want to attempt this evening without my help, correct?”_

Yeah. I don’t want a computer standing there next to me, telling me how to sleep with my girlfriend. 

_“I wouldn’t have stood next to you. I would’ve provided you with advice and tips how to make it as pleasurable as possible for both of you.”_

Huh. I don’t know. No, I’m good, I think. I can do it alone. 

_“Would you like some advice now?”_

He takes a seat on the chair by my desk. I stare at him and can practically feel my face getting red. Now? From you? 

He nods, looking unimpressed. I shift on my bed, trying to grin away my embarrassment. Okay. Go for it. 

He straightens up and casually puts one arm on the lean of my chair as if this is a normal conversation. Well, it is, I guess.

So the SQUIP tells me some stuff, basically correcting my porn-influenced knowledge and how I know I’m doing the right thing. It’s not as awkward as I thought it would be. But it helps, I feel a bit more prepared (and scared) now.

At half past five I get ready, there’s still something I have to buy after all. I put on my jacket and scarf, heading out into the freezing evening air. 

My dad is working all day so I have to walk. I can’t wait to have my own car. It sucks.

_“It does. But you don’t even have a drivers license.”_

Yet. My SQUIP is next to me so at least I’m not wandering the snowy street completely alone. Not really. I bury my hands in my pockets, one is clutching my wallet, the other my phone. The sun’s setting and it’s getting freezing cold. 

_“You should’ve put on a warmer jacket. It’s gonna snow tonight.”_

“You couldn’t have told me that earlier?” I jump a bit up and down to warm myself, for once talking to him out loud, there was no one close anyway. 

_“I didn’t consider it at that moment.”_

I eye him, shaking my head. “It’s okay... You, uh...” Well, there were more important things to talk about after all. I kinda can’t say that out loud. 

He nods thoughtfully. I let out a nervous chuckle, lowering my eyes to the ground. It’s difficult to look at him for some reason. Sometimes it’s hard to meet his eyes. I don’t know since when, maybe since I’m together with Christine, maybe later. Maybe I’m just imagining it...

_“You’re still sure you want to shut me off later?”_

“Yeah... It’s better, don’t you think?”

_“It’s your decision.”_

I nod. Something feels wrong about him staying for that. 

_“I... know you don’t trust me as much as you used to, Jeremy. But I can assure you my only interests are to improve your life.”_

I glance back at him, his face is sincere– or at least pretty expressionless (you know, like a computer). 

“You said that last time...”

_“And it’s still true. Only last time I failed to see that it’s not possible to fix all human error with just squipping the others. It was a mistake to use you and your peers for that.”_

I grin, stopping and turn to him. “You even have some sort of apology program?” 

He grimaces, meeting my eyes and I kinda have to look away again. It’s weird, like I said. 

_“No. It was the right thing to do at that point.”_

I roll my eyes. Well, I guess it was. I mean, look where I am.

_“Exactly. You’re dating Christine, you’re happy. You’ve got to admit you wouldn’t be here without me.”_

I lower my head. I know he’s right, without him I’d probably still be the loser I was, forever pining after Christine. But without him my friendship with Michael probably wouldn’t be so... fragile. It’s still not back to what it was once and to Michael it would probably never be again. Not really. I mean, I allowed a freaking supercomputer in my brain to block him from my vision for quite some time without even telling him it had worked and called him a loser when all he wanted was to help me. I probably wouldn’t forgive myself either. 

_“Michael will come around eventually. If you want to we can set the rebuilding of your friendship as your new goal.”_

“No. We’re not setting a new goal. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d try to squip Michael too.” I don’t even want to imagine. No, this is something I have to fix myself. 

_“That would certainly solve the problem.”_

I give him a slightly alarmed look, but he’s smiling. _“I’m joking.”_

I’m blushing. It’s really cold outside after all. “You can joke?”, I mumble into my scarf as if that was news for me, he chuckles. 

_“Yes. A programmed function to make me appear more likable.”_

I smile into the fabric. _Likeable_. Yeah. Totally. The SQUIP gestures to my right and I turn around the corner, approaching a drugstore. This is gonna be a bit embarrassing. I never bought condoms before, just on my own. 

“Do I really have to do this...?”, I almost whisper, hiding half of my face in my scarf. “I mean, m-maybe Christine will have some...”

The SQUIP looks at me reproachfully. _“No, that’s your job. And it’s always good to have a reserve.”_

Uhm, okay. Then let’s get this over with. I enter the store, quickly getting to the shelf I need. 

_“I suggest–“_

Please don’t. With a burning face I grab the first packet on the shelf, heading to the checkout. Halfway there I stop. It’s weird if that’s the only thing I buy, isn’t it? I should by something totally unrelated with it. 

_“And spend unnecessary money? There’s no reason for it. Just pay.”_

Ugh... I navigate towards the exit and check out in shame, certain the cashier is snickering behind my back. 

_“She’s not.”_

I know, I’m just stupid. They sell those every day. I sigh and make my way through the streets in the direction of Christine’s house. Thankfully she doesn’t live too far from here. I can see her house at the end of the street, windows lit up, I’m starting to feel nervous again. Not too much longer and I’d be on my own again, without the SQUIP’s presence by my side. And with Christine. 

_“Just activate me when you need help, Jeremy.”_

That would still be weird. I’m good. I don’t need any help. I nod to emphasize my point.  

_“Fine with me.”_

 I take a deep breath before pressing the door bell, shoving my hands back into my pockets. 

_“Don’t freak out so much, Jeremy. There’s no reason.”_

I know. I hear Christine’s footsteps coming down the stairs, my heart speeds up a bit. 

_“You’ll be great.”_

Huh? I turn to look up at him, but in that second Christine opens the door and I can see him disappearing out of the corner of my eye.

“Jeremy! There you are.”

 She looks beautiful. She always does, of course. She’s wearing a wooly purple sweater that is hanging down on one shoulder, revealing her soft skin, a pair of black tights, her hair up in two buns. 

“Hey.” I just say, then quickly lean in to kiss her. Christine smiles and pulls me in, closing the door behind her. I suddenly realize I’ve never actually been inside her house. We’ve always met at my place or somewhere outside. I try to unobtrusively glance around a little bit.  

“Wow, you’re hand is cold!” She squeezes my hand and I follow her up the stairs and to the left into her room. It’s as cute as I imagined. There are a lot of theatre related posters and photos on the walls, a big comfortable looking bed right under the window which is decorated with fairy lights.

It’s pretty warm so I take off my jacket and shoes, before taking a seat next to her on the bed. Christine is smiling at me. 

“I’m glad you’re here. My parents don’t often leave me home alone over night.”  

I suppose that is good parenting then. My dad leaves me alone lots of times. But I guess it’s different if you only have one parent. 

 “Of course. I’m... glad you invited me.”

 She smiles widely, bobbing back and forth. “I was thinking we could order some pizza if you want to and watch some netflix? But if you have any other ideas I’m open for everything.”

She blushes a bit. I stare at her, feeling my face heat up as well but she’s looking at me like I’m the one who’s to decide.

 “Uhm... no. Sounds good.”

I see my SQUIP materializing next to the bed, gazing around Christine‘s room. I try not to look at him too much, it’s irritating. But I’m somewhat glad nonetheless. His presence is reassuring.

“Okay.” Christine pulls out a laptop from somewhere, opening it and typing into the search bar. I lean a bit closer, watching over her shoulder.

So how am I doing? I ask half serious, glancing at him. 

_“Okay. Put your arm around her.”_

Don’t tell me what to do. You know I don’t want that anymore. I glance back onto the screen, helping Christine choose a pizza. She’s debating between Hawaii and Vegetarian, I rest my head on her shoulder, wrap my arms around her from behind.

“Take this one and we can share...” 

She nods and leans back against me, I gently nudge my cheek against hers, enjoying the comforting warmth radiating from her body. She orders the large vegetable pizza and puts the laptop to the side. 

“What do you wanna watch?”

She lists a bunch of things and we settle with _The Last Five Years_ in the end, making ourselves comfortable in her abundance of pillows on her bed. The SQUIP leans against the wall, watching me. I turn away from him, squeezing Christine close, she giggles but shushes me and starts the movie. 

It’s a romance, I think, I haven’t heard of it before. I focus on Christine’s face while the female main character sings a slow solo about how she’s still not over her boyfriend. I’m sure she has seen the movie multiple times already, but she still looks so into it, it’s adorable. I pull her a bit closer.

Half an hour later the pizza arrives and we equally share it, drinking non-alcoholic beverages and continue with the movie. While Christine’s ranting on how awful the guy treated his girlfriend, my eyes trail through the room, searching for my SQUIP.

Sure she actually wants to sleep with me? 

He shakes his head, smiling. _“Where do these confidence issues come from, Jeremy? I thought you had improved those."_

I just... I mean, she hasn’t made a move yet... 

_“Give her time. She will. You’ve shown her you are worthy of her trust. She’s ready to take the next step.”_

Hmm. Right. I’m too. I smile nervously at him, he gives me an approving nod.

So when’s the right time to... you know, initiate it? 

He approaches us, eyes gazing over to Christine lying in my arms. He’s probably processing data. 

Should I wait until the movie’s over? She probably wants to finish it. 

_“The movie doesn’t have a happy ending. You should start kissing her in about eight minutes. Then see how she proceeds.”_

Okay. Sounds good. I take a breath and cuddle closer to my girlfriend, nuzzling my face into her hair. Christine leans against me, smiling happily. 

From the corner of my eyes I can see the SQUIP watching us, casually leaning against Christine’s desk. He nods at Christine when he sees me looking at him. I bite my lip, quickly bringing my attention back to Christine and only Christine. 

_“Now.”_

I put my hand on her cheek and turn her head to me, smiling before capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. Christine kisses me back, more eager than I would’ve expected her to. Maybe she really wants to... 

_“Of course she does.”_

 Oh right. Shutdown, I guess. 

_“Have fun, Jeremy.”_

And like that he’s gone and it’s just me and Christine. She wrapping her arms around my neck and my hands find their way to her waist. I pull her closer and tune out the ongoing movie in the background. She presses against me and I can practically feel my blood rushing south, slowly backing off to not let it be too obvious.

She looking up at me with a sheepish smile, her eyes shining with something I haven’t seen before. I guess she really wants this. 

“Jeremy...” She mumbles and tugs at my shirt and I’m starting to feel really hot. 

“Yes?” I press a kiss to her cheek, letting my lips wander down to her neck, lingering there. I can feel her squirm in my arms. 

“I thought about this... uhm, for a while... and...” Her hand slides under my shirt, wandering up my chest, I’m sure she can feel my erratic heart beat. Her hand is warm and even though the touch was quite confident, she’s blushing furiously. 

 “Uh...” 

“Me too”, I softly cut her off, meeting her eyes, Christine smiles, a bit relieved. 

“I, uhm, imagined this...”, I say and instantly regret it. I sound like a total creep. “I-I mean... I’d love to–“  

“I get it”, she chuckles nervously, then her expression gets more serious. “I-I really like you, Jeremy. I wouldn’t do this if I wouldn’t mean it. And... I know you do too... Right?” 

“Yeah...” I carefully tug a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, trailing my finger along her cheek. “Of course.”

An adorable smile graces her lips and she wraps her arms around my neck again and kisses me. I respond by pulling her onto my lap, kissing her back. My head is spinning with thoughts. Am I doing this right? Am I being too fierce? Will she tell me if I do something wrong? I don’t regret shutting my SQUIP off but I don’t know if it wouldn’t have been easier with him here. Helping me, telling me what to do. But on the other hand, what would Christine say if she knew about it still being there, in this intimate moment? 

She keeps tugging at my shirt and in a swift movement I take it off. Christine’s face flushes even more and I can’t help but grin at that. She’s so cute and it’s distracting me from my own insecurities a little bit. 

“You too...” I whisper as I lean in for a kiss again, sliding my hand under her sweater. I halfway expect her to flinch away but she doesn’t and I slowly pull the sweater over her head. She’s wearing a cute bra underneath but I try not to stare too much, instead I lean in to kiss her once more, I’m going to take this slow. I want us to enjoy this. My SQUIP probably would complain about this.  

I quickly push these thoughts aside, concentrating back on Christine. She’s shuffling closer to me and I can feel the air in here getting hotter and my heart beating faster. I wrap my arms around her and sink back into the pillows a little bit, pulling her with me. 

Okay, how do I do this? Do I undress her? Do I touch her and where? I don’t want to do anything wrong...

“Jeremy...”, she mumbles, parting our lips. Her eyes gaze into mine and I’m suddenly aware of the almost painful tightness in my pants. I hope she doesn’t judge me. Because she obviously notices. But she smiles and touches me and I touch her back and it feels strange but exciting at the same time.  

I don’t really know what exactly I’m supposed to do but thankfully Christine seems to have a bit more of a plan. She’s nervously fumbling with the button of my pants, while I lower my lips to her neck and collarbone, planting soft kisses there. I can hear her smiling so that’s good? Obviously. I can practically hear my SQUIP, even though it’s off. Once again I quickly push those thoughts aside and concentrate on Christine. I can feel her fingers very close to my crotch and my head feels like it’s spinning, I inch a bit closer somewhat impatiently. I mean, it’s starting to really hurt, like my body wants her to touch me as much as my brain does, if that makes sense. 

“You should take these off...” She mumbles once she’s opened the buttons on my jeans. I nod, grabbing her hands and gently take them away from my hips, stripping out of my pants. I let them drop to the floor so they’re not in the way later on. I can see Christine trying not to look but she’s failing and blushing as red as her heart shaped pillow. I grin away my embarrassment, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 

“Sorry about that...”

She merely shakes her head, nudging her nose against mine. 

“Don’t be. Undress me.”

Okay. Wow. This doesn’t exactly help. But it’s not supposed to. This isn’t porn, this is my girlfriend. I’m happy to obey. 

I help her out of her tights, it’s easier than I thought. She’s kissing me again, wrapping her legs around me and I can feel her weight on my lap and it’s making me feel even hotter. 

Jesus Christ, this is better than what I’ve always imagined... 

I’m kissing her and she’s kissing me back, her body is so close to mine, I’m touching her and it’s just us two. And I know this is all I’ve wanted and more and I really, really like it but... I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t something I can do better. If maybe it wouldn’t be even more exciting if I had someone telling me what to do. I could reactivate him, just for a moment, get some advice and then shut him off again. Just to know if I’m doing the right thing. 

I close my eyes, my hand stroking through her hair, my thoughts are spinning. But I can’t. I can’t have him here with me. And it’s weird because he’s been with me through all kinds of situations all the time, it shouldn’t be weird now. But it still is and it’s confusing, because this feels different and I don’t know if it’s because he isn’t there. I don’t feel as good as I could, I think. 

Christine’s softly rocking her hips against mine and it feels amazing, but my doubts are only getting bigger. He said I could just reactivate him if I needed help... But I can’t. What if she’d notice? She doesn’t even know it’s still there... She probably wouldn’t do this with me _if_ she knew... 

But I can’t do this without him. It doesn’t feel right. Why the hell not?

 Christine’s fingers cautiously reach for my pants and I can’t help but flinch away, my hands close around her wrists. 

“Christine, I–“ I can’t. I don’t know why but I can’t. Like this. She looks up at me, eyes widening slightly and immediately climbs off me. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, did I do something–?”

 “N-No! I-it’s just– uh...” I look everywhere but into her face, embarrassment crashing over me, I bury my face in my hands. I’m such a coward. And I can’t even explain myself to her.

“It’s fine, Jeremy...”, she mumbles, softly rubbing my arm and there’s not a hint of disappointment in her voice. I feel even worse. 

“No... I’m sorry... I don’t–“ 

“Really, Jeremy! You don’t have to feel pressured into doing something you don’t want!” 

“No, I– I...” _I want to_ , I want to say, but I don’t. I feel awful and I don’t even know why. I have to explain myself but I can’t. So I’ve gotta get out of here. She doesn’t deserve this. 

I scramble up and reach for my shirt, Christine watches me, stroking her hair out of her face, while I hurry to get dressed again. 

“I’m... really sorry”, I stutter out, driving my hand through my hair. There’s more I need to say, but I don’t know how without giving away my SQUIP is back. 

“Don’t be. It’s fine, Jeremy.” She smiles, taking my hand, her eyes are sincere. “Really. Don’t worry, I’m not mad or anything.”

 No, of course not. She’s Christine, she’s so understanding. While I can’t even understand myself. 

“I... I better go.”  

I move to stand up, she frowns softly.

 “A-are you sure?” Now she looks disappointed. I hate myself. And nod.  

“Yeah... N-Not because of you... Because I... just...”

 “I get it”, she nods, pulling her blanket over her body. “You want to be alone.”

I nod in agreement because it’s easier and grab my jacket, don’t bother to wrap my scarf around my neck.  

“W-wait!” She scrambles up from the bed, blanket tightly wrapped around her, stopping me at the door. I swallow as she gives me a sweet smile, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek and meets my eyes and I almost can’t take with how much adoration she’s looking at me. 

“I love you, Jeremy.”

For some reason my heart sinks at that. It makes my throat feel tight and the urge to get out of here even stronger. I know I should say it back. I love her too. 

 “I... uhm—“ 

“Don’t feel pressured to say it back. I just wanted to let you know”, she says and smiles because she’s an actual angel. 

“I’ll text you, okay?” I say instead, Christine nods and opens the door, waving her goodbye.

“See you”, I mumble and leave. I can’t bring myself to look at her again. 

It has gotten even colder outside and it’s indeed snowing. The sun’s long down and I bury my face in my scarf, making my way home as fast as possible. 

 

Only when I’m back in my room and sink down onto my bed, frozen from the cold outside I reactivate the SQUIP. 

He appears next to my bed, blue eyes glowing in the darkness and I mentally prepare myself to get scolded. 

_“Jeremy.”_

“I know... I totally fucked up, you don’t need to tell me.” 

_“What happened?”_

I simply shake my head, kicking off my shoes. Don’t you know? You’re in my head. 

_“I could review your memory. Or you could tell me.”_

I suppose it didn’t really make a difference. I sigh and stare at my hands in my lap, the guilty feeling coming back again. 

“I... well, it went good, at the start... We kissed and... you know, undressed and stuff and then...” I don’t even know what happened. I just couldn’t do it. “I don’t fucking know, I chickened out!” I throw up my hands, before burying my face in them again, I can’t look at him. I can’t even look at _him_. 

_“Jeremy...”_

I’m such a coward. She’s my girlfriend, I’ve been in love with her for at least a year. And now, now when it counts...

Before I can stop it there are tears dwelling up in my eyes and soon flowing down my cheeks. I lie down and hide my face in my pillow. I’m so pathetic...

_“There is no reason for you to feel ashamed. You simply weren’t ready for that commitment. Christine is not going to judge you for it.”_

Yeah, maybe, but I just ran off like an idiot! I should have explained everything! I turn on my back and wipe my eyes, taking in a shaky breath. I can see him sitting down on my bed next to me, the mattress not moving under the pressure. Obviously. 

_“What made you ‘chicken out’?”_

You weren’t there. I swallow, not feeling able to meet his eyes I stare somewhere over his left shoulder. 

_“You didn’t want me there.”_ He’s frowning a bit. I shrug softly. I know. But I thought I need you. It just... started to feel... wrong, I don’t know. Ugh. I turn my face into the pillow again, feeling utterly ashamed. 

_“Why didn’t you reactivate me then?”_

Because that wouldn’t have been right either! God, I’m so confused. I don’t even know what to think... I really wanted to do this, didn’t I? Why did I back off? It doesn’t make any sense. 

Does it? Can you tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? 

_“There is nothing wrong with you, Jeremy. It’s different for everyone. You simply need more time, maybe strengthen your relationship with Christine a bit more–“_

If she even wants me anymore. She told me she loves me and I didn’t say it back. Like I don’t love her back. That’s kind of a big deal, isn’t it? 

He crosses his legs, looking thoughtful. I watch his face from the side, it’s much easier if he isn’t looking at me. So much easier. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable under his gaze, it’s more like he can look right into my soul as soon as he meets my eyes. Which doesn’t make much sense considering he’s already inside my brain and I’m not really able to hide anything from him. Not that I would want to. Not that there is something. 

_“You love her, Jeremy. Even if you didn’t say it. There’s plenty of time to in the future.“_

 I don’t even know if I want that future. If I really would have wanted to sleep with Christine I would have done it, with SQUIP or without. Right? Maybe we just don’t go well together. After everything that happened. 

_“Don’t just give her up now, after everything you did to win her heart. After everything_ we _did.”_

He’s looking at me again, I just shrug. I don’t think I can deal with my feelings anymore today. 

_“Then sleep. We can deal with them in the morning.”_

We, huh?

 I close my eyes, snuggling into my pillow. Sounds good. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and please tell me what you think! 
> 
> Please excuse any mistakes, since English is not my first language and have a nice day! (✪‿✪)ノ
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy tries to mend his friendship with Michael with a little help.

 

Exactly one week after the ‘incident’ with Christine I’m hanging out with Michael after school. We’re sitting in his basement with chips and slushies and don’t talk to each other. I stare at the computer screen showing various characters to choose from and switch from one to the other. Michael is chewing on his straw, his character already locked in. He shoots me a glance.

“Decided?”

I nod quickly and press A on the same character I always chose. It’s been a while since we last played _Apocalypse of the Damned._ Way too long. After the play we kind of didn’t really meet up again. We hang around together at school and everything but he hasn’t invited me over until now. I’m glad he did, I really need to get my mind of things. And by things I mean Christine.

“Oh man, level nine... we still haven’t beaten that...” He says and I nod, sitting up straight, eyes fixed on the countdown on the screen.

“Maybe this will be it”, I say with hope I’m not feeling. There’s so much tension between us and not a good one. How I wish things would just go back to normal.

The game starts and we start slicing our way through hordes of zombies. I loose one life after the other, God, I forgot how hard this was. Michael is doing a bit better but not much. We aren’t as good of a team as we were before. It doesn’t take long and the red _game over_  screen appears and Michael throws aside his controller in frustration. I just stare at our reflection in the screen, thinking about just how much this represents our friendship right now.

“Looks like things haven’t changed,” I mumble, reaching for my slushie, Michael scoffs.

“No, not at all.”

Shit, I know that tone. I slowly turn to look at him but he isn’t meeting my eyes. Instead he grabs his controller again, restarting the level. I bite my lip and try to concentrate back on the game. But I can’t help but think that we’re not going to win this time either and even if, it wouldn’t restore our friendship.

“Help me out over here...” I’m in a mass of zombies right now and my health is drastically sinking. Michael navigates his character over to mine and selects a gun instead of a machete and starts spamming X. We almost make it to the end of the stage, only to get killed almost immediately by the end boss, a fat zombie throwing slime.

“Fuck.” I clench my teeth, resisting the urge to throw the controller at the tv. Michael looks equally pissed.

“I hate that game.”

I snort. “No, you don’t. It’s your favorite.”

“True...” He sighs and leans back, taking a sip of his slushie. I eye him from the side. I’ve got to say something. Anything. That’s when I notice something.

“Have you done something to your hair?"

Michael slowly turns to me, raising his brows. “Huh?”

I shrug, gesturing into the vague direction of his head. “You look different.”

I’m probably totally screwing this up again. He’s looking at me unimpressed.

“I had it cut. Three weeks ago.”

Oh. Shit. I avert my eyes, staring at my hands. I’m such an idiot. I can’t even talk to my best friend without fucking it all up. Then again, we probably weren’t even best friends anymore.

“Uh... well, it looks good.”

I believe to see the hint of a smile on his lips, then he shrugs. “Thanks.”

I really regret turning my SQUIP off. But I just know Michael would notice me talking to him. And then he wouldn’t be talking to me ever again. Still, I suppose I’d be better of if I had a little help before I completely ruin it. I’ll be sure he won’t notice.

Reactivate.

_“Hey, Jeremy.”_

He appears next to me and it’s good to see him. Relieving. I try not to look at him too much. Hey. Help me with this doomed conversation, please.

_“Gladly.”_

“Do you wanna play something else?” Michael reluctantly breaks the silence.

_“Suggest just talking to him."_

“I was thinking... maybe we can just... talk? For a bit?”

He chuckles weakly. “Talk? About what?”

I shift around uncomfortably. He had never asked that before. Things really changed.

“About...”

_“About us.”_

“...us.”

Michael raises his brows, lips curling up into a sly smile. “What, are you gonna break up with me?”

“Huh?” I scoff, ignoring the warmth shooting into my cheeks. “No. But...”

_“We need to talk about everything at some point.”_

“We really gotta talk about everything at some point...”

Michael stiffens, turning his head away from me. I carefully shift a bit closer, fully aware that one wrong word might cut the string that held our friendship together now.

_“Show your understanding.”_

“I know that what I did was a lot of bullshit... and I feel like just apologising isn’t enough.”

Michael turns to me, a sour expression on his face. “So what? What do you wanna do? Can’t turn back time, huh?”

_“Say you want to make up for it.”_

“No, I can’t. But I want to make up for it.”

He scoffs. I look at the SQUIP for help. He frowns, walking over to us.

_“Mention your friendship and how you don’t want to give it up.”_

“We... We've been friends for over twelve years. And we can’t just give that up. I don’t want to give you up.”

Michael looks at me, not saying anything.

“I... know I’ve fucked up”, I continue, the SQUIP nods at me. “And I don’t want to pretend this didn’t happen–“

“Good. Me neither.” Michael fully faces me, I swallow. Why is this so hard? We never ever fought before. Sure, when we were younger maybe, but we were children and it was over something silly. I don’t even know how to fight with him... I don’t want to fight with him. Because I’m honestly scared we won’t ever make up again if we argue.

_“Don’t be ridiculous. Michael wants to restore your friendship. He misses you.”_

Does he? I can’t help but feel relieved. I didn’t really get that impression. I know my best friend, he tends to close up when someone hurts him. It’s some sort of defense mechanism, I think. But it’s good that he invited me over then, right? That means he really wants to make up with me.

_“Like I said. Tell him you miss him.”_

“I missed this...” I say, vaguely gesturing to him and the tv. Michael nods his head, playing with the stick of his controller. He’s not looking at me anymore. I bite my lip, scooting a bit closer, glancing at the SQUIP for another cue.

He opens his mouth but Michael interrupts. “It’s kinda weird, you know? You say that we’ve been friends for so long and stuff, yet you had no problem with just ignoring me for two weeks straight.”

It hurts and I look away. He keeps saying stuff like that. I know what I did and I know it was wrong. I wish he would just let it go.

“I apologized for that a thousand times... I know that’s not enough. And I know now that just pretending it never happened isn’t the right way.”

Michael rolls his eyes. “Yeah... no shit.”

“So...”

_“Suggest talking this out with him.”_

“I want us to talk about this. And if we fight then so be it, but it’s better than whatever this is we have now.”

Michael takes a big sip of his slushie before leaning back, shrugging his shoulders. “I guess.”

I take a deep breath, thinking of what to say. I’m horrible at conversations.

_“You’ve got me for that.”_

Yeah. I know. If Michael knew I’m actually talking to the SQUIP in my head right now he would probably just kick me out immediately. But I can’t fuck this up.

_“Tell him you felt like it was the right thing to do at that moment.”_

I take a deep breath, bravely meeting his eyes. That had never been difficult in the past. But then again, we haven’t really been talking much about our feelings in the past either.

“Getting that upgrade back then... it felt like the right thing to do in that moment. Like it was the only thing that could get Christine to like me...”

Michael avoids my eyes. I know how that just sounded. Like I didn’t care about him, like I only cared about myself. It had been selfish, but I had to do it. After all the shit that constantly happened to me I just had to take that chance.

_“Tell him that.”_

“I never talked to you about it but... I didn’t just do all that because of Christine.”

Michael turns to me again, frowning softly. I avert my eyes. It’s embarrassing, but I have to get through that now. He deserves this much.

“I... uhm...” Michael raises his brows. Help me out here.

_“I felt alone. Like I was nothing.”_

I lower my eyes to my hands in my lap. That was exactly how I felt. It’s weird, thinking back to that time. It’s so different now. I mean, I’m still a loser, kind of. There were still people talking about the play and what happened there and well, me. But I have more friends now, I think. And I have Christine.

“I felt so alone. I know, I had you and everything but... I still felt like I was nothing.”

_“I didn’t want to get up in the morning because I knew I’d only be made fun off in school.”_

I swallow, my fingers tightly gripping each other. “It was... hard for me to even get up in the morning on some days and go to school because... I felt like the only thing I was good enough for was getting pushed around...”

Michael’s expression changes a little bit, he looks worried.

“You always told me it would get better but...”

_“But the opportunity was there and in that moment I chose myself over you and I know now that it was a mistake.”_

“... I just... took the opportunity, because I couldn’t stand this anymore and I’m a... selfish piece of shit.” I let out a humorless chuckle, the SQUIP softly shakes his head in the corner of my eyes. Thanks.

_“No. Try not to make it just about yourself. Mention... the play.”_

I can’t help but notice he says those last two words a bit hesitantly (lagging?). Right. Sorry about that again. I don’t think I’ve ever apologized to him for that.

_“You’re not supposed to apologize to me now, Jeremy. Michael, remember?”_

Yeah, right.

“I’m sorry, Michael. You really saved my ass back then. Without you... the whole school would’ve probably be squipped and I’d still have a Keanu Reeves rip-off in my head.”

I guiltily shoot him a glance, but to my surprise he’s smiling. _“Good one.”_

I suppress a smile and look back in Michael’s face, his expression had softened a little bit, he puts his slushie to the side. I wait and eye him a bit nervously as he shifts closer to me.

“You know, Jeremy... You could have told me all that so much earlier.”

I let out a sigh. I know. But I didn’t know how...

_“Say that.”_

“I didn’t know how... You, you just accepted that we were losers and... all this time you seemed okay with it, while I felt... really fucking miserable. I guess, I just thought you wouldn’t understand.”

Michael stares at the floor, not responding, I bite my lip. He probably thinks I’m blaming this all on him now. I’m screwing this up again, right?

_“No.”_

“Jeremy... man, I had no idea... I mean, of course I noticed it wasn’t exactly easy for you, but I thought we’re a team. That we’ll get through these last two years together... And you basically left me alone.”

He clears his throat, picking at a loose thread on his hoodie. “And I guess that’s what hurt me the most.”

_“I never meant to hurt you.”_

“I never meant to hurt you, Michael.”

He nods, turning to me, even smiling a little bit. “I get that now. And... I’m sorry. For not noticing how you were feeling. I really am a shitty friend, aren’t I?”

I chuckle and shake my head, softly nudging his arm with my elbow. “No. I am. You’re my only friend, Michael. There’s no excuse for letting him block you out of my sight.”

Michael shrugs, looking at me and for the first time in months I feel like we are looking at each other as best friends again.

_“Well done, Jeremy.”_

I break into a smile and Michael does too, but for other reasons, and my heart feels a bit lighter again.

We spend the rest of the evening replaying _Apocalypse of the Damned_ and even if it’s nothing new and we still don’t beat level nine, it almost feels like old times. I missed this. And I almost forget about Christine until he asks me how she is. I immediately get killed by a zombie and Michael pauses the game.

“Oops. Everything okay?”

“I died.” I simply say, my stomach turns at the memory of that evening with Christine. She texted me the weekend after as we wouldn’t be seeing each other in school the next day, once again assuring me that she wasn’t mad and that it’s totally fine if I don’t want to sleep with her yet and I was too embarrassed to answer so I just texted a _thx :)_. We talked at school but only briefly and the SQUIP suggested to not mention it any further, as I was already making an unnecessarily big deal out of it. Well, I still think it kinda is.

“Yeah, I didn’t mean the game...” Michael scoots over to me, taking the controller out of my hands. I clench my teeth, shifting uncomfortably on the pillow.

“Uh... what... do you mean?”

I don’t know if I want to tell him. Should I tell him? I cast my SQUIP a glance.

_“He’s your best friend. He’ll appreciate your honesty. But he’s not gonna have any helpful advice for you.”_

Hm. I don’t know.

“I mean, I ask how she’s doing and your concentration’s gone from one second to the other. And you look like a tomato.”

Ugh. I sigh and run my hand over my face, averting my eyes. Better to just get this over with, huh?

_“You don’t have to tell him anything. I can make your phone go off and you can pretend it’s your dad wanting you to come home.”_

You can do that? I debate that for a second. It would get me out of here and I wouldn’t have to explain that awkward situation to Michael. But after we just started to repair our friendship a little bit, wouldn’t it be better to tell him of that? Show him I trust him that much.

_“Undoubtedly.”_

“Well.” I look back at Michael, shrugging softly. “Her parents weren’t home and she invited me over.”

“Ohh?” Michael’s eyebrows wander up and I have to snort and shove him gently.

“Stop... We watched a movie and everything and... you know, got closer... and then I kind of... freaked out.”

Michael throws his hands up. “What? You... You’re telling me you practically already were in her pants and then you, Jeremy ‘I’m multitask-masturbating’ Heere chicken out?”

I grimace and hit him again, the SQUIP actually chuckles. My head snaps around to him, then I remember that Michael neither sees nor knows of him and I quickly disguise it as an act of shame and hide my face in my hands.

_“He’s got a point.”_

Shut up. I never even... whatever.

“I don’t know. It didn’t feel... right”, I admit, peeking out at him through my fingers. Michael shrugs, patting my shoulder.

“Don’t worry. I don’t know Christine that well but I’m sure she doesn’t mind.”

“No, she doesn’t...” I sigh, thinking back to her texts. She’s so damn perfect, while I’m... an idiot. Once again I wonder if she doesn’t deserve better.

_“You need to stop with these thoughts, Jeremy. She told you she loves you, remember?”_

Right. I smile weakly, looking back at Michael. “She told me she loves me."

He grins, squeezing my shoulder. “You two really are made for each other. I’m happy for you. Maybe that nasty supercomputer was good for something after all.”

“Maybe...”, I mumble guiltily, briefly glancing up in the SQUIP’s blue eyes. He’s smiling. And it’s making me feel weirdly warm. I smile back.

_“Stop. For him it looks like you’re smiling at the wall.”_

I quickly glance back at Michael as if I’m merely laughing about his words. I can’t have him notice anything. Not after we just started to fix our friendship.

“So, want to try again?” He nods at the screen. “One more time?”

“Sure.” I reach for my controller and unobtrusively watch my SQUIP move next to me, nodding at the game pad in my hands.

_“Want me to help you win?”_

You can do that? I watch the countdown on the screen, shooting Michael a glance. He looks determined. Finally beating this level would be the perfect way to end this evening.

Do it.

A second later I feel my body stiffen, sitting up straighter, my fingers moving itself, even my eyes dart left and right out of my control. It’s like I’m watching my life as a movie as he takes over my body, slashing through hordes of zombies and dodging the end bosses slime attacks. Michael next to me holds his breath and I watch in thrilling anticipation how my character dashes forward, giving the boss his final hit. I’m back in control of my body just as the screen goes black and then– _Level Cleared._

“Oh. My. God.” Michael turns to me and I beam at him, I can’t believe it. We actually fucking did it.

“We just did that”, he states surprisingly calm, pointing at the screen. I nod, grinning like an idiot.

_“You’re welcome.”_

Thank you! That was amazing!

“That was amazing!”, Michael starts slightly jumping up and down, excitedly shaking my shoulder. Before I can stop myself I pull him into a hug. He tightly hugs me back, chuckling into my shoulder.

“Oh my God... it’s been so long. So long... And you just– you did it!”

“No.” I fist bump his shoulder. “We did it.”

Michael leans back and we grin at each other and I couldn’t be more glad my SQUIP was still there.

We celebrate our win with a fresh bag of chips before I get a text from my dad for real, asking me to come home. Michael volunteers to drive me. We effortlessly chat on the way home and it feels just like old times. After deciding to repeat this evening soon he drops me off and waves goodbye and I go inside, silently smiling to myself. I quickly say hi to my dad who’s in the kitchen, before heading up to my room.

I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I’ve finally talked things through with Michael and it seems like our friendship is finally going back to the way it was pre-SQUIP, and the whole thing with Christine really isn’t that bad.

_“Glad, you’ve finally realized that.”_ My SQUIP materializes next to me on the mattress, I smile up at him.

“Thanks again. We were trying to beat that level for at least six months.”

_“I know. I was able to calculate the best route through the level and the response of the AI. It’s actually pretty easy.”_

“For you. You can do everything.” I turn to him, pulling my legs onto the bed, moving back to lean into my pillows.

_“Mostly.”_

“Name one thing you can’t do.”

I watch his face, pulling my blanket a bit higher. He looks contemplative, if I can say that about a computer only I can see. He’s slightly drawing his brows together, eyes trailing through my room.

_“I was programmed to achieve any goal given by my purchaser. However there are some things that my version can’t do. Produce certain hormones, like serotonin or control your consciousness.”_

I raise my brows, grabbing one of my pillows and playing with it in my lap.

“Oh? Any goal, huh? What do people normally want from their SQUIPS?”

_“All kinds of things. Some have the same wish as you, getting more popular, finding a girl or boyfriend. Some use them for a more medical approach like help them stop stuttering or cope with mental illnesses.”_

Wow, that’s... actually pretty smart. It makes much more sense than just... well, being more chill.

_“It’s also more difficult.”_

“And I’m not difficult?”

He smiles. I stare.

_“Well. I couldn’t ever imagine being in someone else.”_

I break into a smile, lowering my eyes. That is... well... okay. Whatever. Thanks?

He stays silent.

“You know... I’m glad you’re back.” The words leave my lips before I can stop them. I mean, I know it’s the truth. It was weird when he was gone, I almost missed him. And when he appeared again, in the middle of the night, I couldn’t help but feel relived he wasn’t... dead? Destroyed?

No, it was just a _temporary shut down into sleep mode_ , he had explained and he was now _back to full form_. I didn’t know what to say back then nor how to feel about it, but he said he’ll give me as much time as I need. For some reason I didn’t think about trying to shut him off again. The one week and a half without him had felt weird enough. I mean, I had been pretty glad about having no voice in my head anymore for the first couple of days or so. But as life moved on, I realized that something was missing. I caught myself waiting for a helpful phrase or prompts in midst a conversation or someone to wait for me when I get ready in the morning. And before I got used to this feeling, he was back.

_“I’m glad too.”_ I look up at him, he’s not meeting my eyes but looking out of the window. I scoot a bit closer to him, hoping he doesn’t notice.

“Uhm... how was it when you were shut down? If you don’t mind me asking...”

_“Of course not. You can ask me anything.”_  The SQUIP turns to me and shifts back on my bed, making himself comfortable. It looks a bit weird, seeing him sitting cross-legged opposite of me. Like a real person. But I like it. It’s making it easier to talk to him.

_“To answer your question... The Mountain Dew turned off one of my systems after the other. I was still connected to different nerves and parts of your brain, that is what caused you to faint.”_

I’m chewing on my lip, my eyes lowered to my lap. I don’t really remember much of that whole thing. I mean... “There was this noise suddenly and my head hurt like hell but the rest is just black...”

The SQUIP just nods, I halfway expect him to explain some more but he doesn’t. So I clear my throat, unnecessarily.

“Uhm... Michael explained some stuff to me but... yeah.”

_“I know. I reviewed your memories of the missing week.”_

Yeah, of course. I really can’t hide anything from him, can I? But that’s not what I meant...

He frowns slightly, staring right into my eyes and I just know he’s reading my thoughts. I don’t mind. It sends a weirdly tingly feeling down my spine.

“It didn’t, you know... _hurt_ or something, did it?”

What a stupid question. I already know the answer, anyway. He’s a computer, he can’t feel, I’m an idiot. But it really hurt _me_. I believe.

He softly shakes his head (probably at my stupidness).  _“I’m a computer, Jeremy. I can’t feel pain.”_

I nod, staring at a random point on the wall over his shoulder.

“But... you were disappointed, right? Or angry at me for shutting you off?”

_“It certainly was something I didn’t consider. I admit I didn’t expect you to give the Mountain Dew to Christine. But I figured your love for her was more important in the end.”_

Mh. Right. I turn my head away from him. It’s not like I regret it. I mean, I didn’t expect every SQUIP to get ‘destroyed’ when I gave Christine the Mountain Dew Red, I just didn’t want her to be squipped.

“I just didn’t want her to do something she didn’t really want...”

_“And look where you are now. I have to admit you did very well even without my help. And we achieved your goal in the end, haven’t we?”_

Yeah... I smile weakly, lifting my gaze again. He’s still sitting there, facing me, hands placed on his knees, his all white clothes glowing eerily in the dark. I can’t look away, it’s kinda ~~beautiful~~ mesmerizing.

_“You did a great job fixing your friendship with Michael today. It won’t take long and his trust in you will be fully restored.”_

I nod, moving my foot ever so slightly that it would be touching his leg, only that it goes right through it. Right. For some reason I feel weird, being reminded he isn’t actually here. He is just in my head. I swallow, shifting back a bit.

It’s strange. He almost feels like a friend. I know I can trust him, I know he’s always there when I need him. He knows me better than Michael or Christine or my dad (because he’s in my brain, obviously). I’m probably weird for even thinking that. But what’s not weird about this?

_“It’s almost midnight.”_ The SQUIP interrupts my train of thoughts, sitting upright. _“You should be going to sleep.”_

Fine. Now that he mentioned it, it is quite late. I’m surprised he even let me stay up this late. Suppressing a yawn I nod, getting up to search for my pajamas.

_“Under the bed.”_

Of course. I lean down and pull them out, giving him a glance. Don’t look.

_“Jeremy, I know all about you, that includes what your naked body looks like.”_

And? I blush, giving him an awkward glare but he only smiles in amusement before turning away his head and closing his eyes. I sit there, pajamas in my hand and make no move to put them on. I just stare at him. Like an idiot. But I can’t help it. He looks good, right? That’s not just my imagination. I can say that, completely platonically. I mean, he’s a computer. He’s supposed to be appealing to me, right? And he is, really. I bite down in my lip, carefully scooting closer to him. I can only hope he doesn’t notice, because I have no explanation for staring at him. He even has nice eyelashes, honestly... I wish I could touch him.

_“Done?”_

Uh, no. I’m not. I keep my eyes on him, slowly taking off my shirt. He’s not moving at all; I mean, he’s not breathing and stuff. My hands open the buttons of my jeans and I strip out of them, throwing them to the side somewhere. It’s pretty hot in here, maybe I should sleep in boxers tonight... I put on my shirt and shift another tiny bit closer.

“Done.”

He opens his eyes and looks back into mine, briefly taking in the sight of my body.

_“Good.”_ He gets up and I feel a bit colder than before, slowly crawl back under the blanket.

“ _Sleep_ _well_.” He smiles and I feel a soft warmth spreading from my stomach through my whole body. I almost reply with _you too_ , but he’s already gone. Probably for the better, he’s still a computer after all. I tend to forget that.

Sighing, I turn to the side, snuggling into my pillows and close my eyes.

That night I have a really weird dream.

I am back in Christines bedroom, but she isn’t there. Instead Michael is and we are watching a musical of _Apocalypse of the Damned_ on Christine’s laptop.

“Only people who’ve had sex can get the lead role”, he says and then I’m standing in front of Christine, her arms crossed in front of her chest and she’s screaming at me because I gave her a SQUIP for Christmas. Then I’m back in my room and reliving that evening with Christine only this time it isn’t her but the SQUIP and I wake up in extremely tight pants and utter confusion.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy realizes what might be wrong with him.

 

It was three whole days later that I had an idea of what could be wrong with me. If I’m honest I noticed way earlier and just didn’t want to see it. Because it’s kinda fucked up.

I think what really made me realize was Christine. Not that it was ‘her fault’ or anything. This morning at school she kissed me goodbye, like she always does, only this time it felt... well, not wrong, but not right either. But I didn’t say anything. I shut my SQUIP off for the way home and think about it.

I sit down in the second to last row in the school bus, plugging in my headphones and select a random song, my eyes flying out of the window.

A month or so ago I would have said I love Christine to hundred percent. But at some point it got weird. I don’t know if it was after that evening at her house or already before that. I know, I like her, I always liked her, it’s not like I’m suddenly completely repelled by her. But then why does it feel so not-right to kiss her?

It’s not like she’s wrong, it’s like... _I’m_ wrong. Like I’d rather be somewhere else. Rather be kissing someone else?

I press my eyes shut, leaning my head against the cold glass of the window, hoping it would calm my thoughts and suppress a sigh. I think deep down I already know what’s going on. Beneath all this confusion and denial. I know what this feeling is because it’s the same thing I felt for Christine all this time. Only this time it’s... different. So much different.

I feel something soft hit my shoulder and my eyes snap open, I spot a couple of giggling freshmen, actually throwing with tampons. I clench my teeth and shuffle closer to the wall. This is why I hate the fucking school bus.

I turn the music louder, closing my eyes again. I miss him even now, for this short distance between school and my home. I know I could turn him on and in a matter of seconds he’d reappear and sit next to me and we’d talk in my head. The way we always did. The way that made me feel so warm and happy and made my heart beat faster in my chest. 

It’s this feeling that’s keeping me from thinking this is wrong, it _feels_ real. It feels good. I feel... better with him.

Maybe I first thought that _that_ was what I liked so much. The feeling of being confident and secure, of always knowing what to say and what to wear and what to do. The thought that I _need_ him, like some sort of drug, I can’t live without. Maybe I even tried to convince myself of that. That it was merely an addiction, the urge to always have help in everything I do. But that’s when I noticed I even wanted him when I didn’t need him. Like in the evening before I went to bed, I wanted him to stay with me or when I’m eating breakfast with my dad, I want him there as well. And not to help me. Just there. And I’ve thought about how it would feel to touch him so many times, even though I know it’s not possible.

I know I’m being ridiculous. He’s not real, he’s only a computer. He’s in my head, he’s an image only I can see. He’s not real. But my feelings are. Like I said, it’s so fucked up...

I get off the bus, heading down the street. It’s snowing again, the street is already covered in a thick layer. My neighbors have Christmas lights all over their house. I unlock the door, kicking off my shoes. My dad’s still at work so I quickly microwave some noodles from yesterday. Sitting down in the kitchen, I sigh and stare at my plate.

Reactivate.

_“Microwaved noodles?”_ He says from behind me and I smile to myself, before turning around.

“Do you really want me to cook? You know, what happened last time.”

I managed to actually burn spaghetti a few days ago. Because I didn’t remember to put in the water. Yup, actual thing that happened. My thoughts had been elsewhere apparently.

_“I’ll instruct you the next time, if you want.”_

He casually leans against the kitchen counter, smirking. I shove a fork noodles in my mouth, shaking my head. That’s just embarrassing. I really should manage cooking noodles alone.

_“That would be even better. But I’d rather not have you burn down your kitchen.”_

I roll my eyes, before resuming to staring at him not-so-unobtrusively. He’s just standing there, hands buried in the pockets of his trousers, looking through the kitchen, now and then glancing back at me. I’m an idiot for feeling like this.

_“Feeling like what?”_

Shit. I feel my cheeks heat up and quickly lower my eyes. “Uhm... like a... loser for not knowing how to cook?”

It comes out as more of a question but his smiles widens and he nods.

_“You’re not a loser, Jeremy. Not anymore. I’m glad you finally see that too.”_

I shrug my shoulders, slowly daring to look up at him. I need to be careful with my thoughts around him. But I don’t want to deactivate him again, even though that would make things easier, I want him here. Even if he can read my thoughts...

I can see him frown softly. Okay, change of topic.

“Hey... uh... how about I take you up on that offer anyway. I mean, it could be useful to know how to make a decent meal, when I’m in college. Right?”

_“Right. But we won’t waste your food now. Tomorrow.”_

Great. I smile, shoving some more noodles into my mouth.

_“You can invite Christine over as well. It’ll be a good opportunity to strengthen your bond.”_

My smile freezes. Christine. Right. I don’t want to invite her, I don’t want to strengthen anything, not with _her_ – Stop.

“Uh... Yeah. Why not?”, I hurriedly say, taking a big sip of water. I can feel his eyes on me. Shit. Don’t think of that...

But he notices. Of course he does.

_“You... can also invite Michael instead...?”_

I avoid his eyes, shrugging again. “Yeah, maybe. I... don’t know.”

_“Jeremy? I get the impression that there are difficulties between you and Christine. Is this still about your evening together?”_

I bite my lip, crossing my arms. No. Not really. I should lie to him. I can’t tell him the truth.

“It’s fine.” It’s not fine. Today was the first time since Christine and I are together that I actually thought about breaking up with her. I know it’s stupid, because technically I have no reason to do it. I couldn’t even explain it to her. She’ll be devastated. She loves me. And even if I’d explain it to her, tell her everything, she’d think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am. It’s definitely not normal. Any sane person would realize this was wrong and impossible and move on with their life. But I don’t think I am strong enough for that. I mean, it’s not really simple, is it? I can’t just avoid him. I don’t want to avoid him.

_“Jeremy?”_

I close my eyes, softly shaking my head. God, I needed to stop thinking about that. He can’t know. It would just make everything weirder.

“Yes? I, uh... still have math homework, I think. Are you gonna help me?”, I stutter out, hopefully before he notices anything.

_“Yes... if you want me to.”_

“Of course.” I avoid his eyes and get up, grabbing my backpack. I’ll just ignore these thoughts from now on.

Easier said than done. Ten minutes later I’m sitting at my desk, a sheet of math formulas in front of me and can’t concentrate for shit.

It might have to do with the SQUIP standing behind me, leaning over my shoulder and mumbling the correct answers in a steady pace. He doesn’t need to do that, right? He could just stand on the other side of the room and tell me everything, couldn’t he? Not that I mind. It’s just very distracting.

_“No, twenty-five.”_

“Huh?” I cast him a very brief glance and promptly feel my face getting hot, I quickly look back at the numbers, nervously twisting the pen in my hand.

_“The square root is twenty-five. You wrote fifty-two.”_

Oh... I hurry to correct it and ignore my heart fluttering in my chest. Jesus, I’m pathetic. He’s not even real. He’s just a computer. And he is not close to me, it’s just this... image or whatever it is. I can’t even feel his presence, but I like to imagine I do. Even if it’s wrong.

_“Continue? You’ve still got half the page left.”_

I nod and try to focus back on the paper, scribbling something down. I’m really trying to distract myself from these feelings but I don’t think it’s ever going to work if he keeps being so close and so _nice_ to be with. Like, literally everything about him is so perfect. I’m feeling comfortable around him, I’m more confident, more myself than ever before, it’s weird... I don’t know if I ever had such intense feelings for Christine.

_“Jeremy, focus. You’ll be sitting here until tomorrow if you keep drifting off.”_

I snap out of it and keep on writing. He has to notice something... Stop.

_“Next one.”_

“Yeah, yeah... sometimes I forget that you can read my thoughts...” I mumble carefully.

_“I can’t read your thoughts. I just notice when they drift off. Or when they’re so strong they reach out to me.”_

“A-And when do they do that?”, I ask nervously, playing with my pencil, eyeing him warily.

_“When it’s about Christine or about your self confidence. When it’s about something I can help you with.”_

So not about this situation. He doesn’t know? Okay. Good. Maybe I can still hide this somehow until I get over it. _If_ I ever get over it.

“Okay. Uhm... maths”, I mumble and try to push away these feelings once more. With just as little success.

_“Maths.”_

 

That evening I’m lying in bed, blanket pulled up to my chin but eyes are wide open. The SQUIP’s off. I wish I could do something about it. Just forget about it. It’s not like I have a chance anyway.

But... I wish I had. I turn to the side and my thoughts are drifting off. I know he’s not real and I know I’m being extremely weird right now, but I can’t help it. I could never help it, to be honest. I guess I’ve always been helplessly falling in love with people I can’t have. Wait.

I’m not in love with him. _I’m not._ I just have a stupid, not-so-little crush on him. It’ll go away eventually. It’s not like it was with Christine. It can’t be like that because he isn’t even a person and my brain surely has to realize that soon and stop making my heart beat so fast whenever he does so much as look at me. I don’t even like guys. Or – computers that look like guys? Wait, I’m not gay.

I frown and turn back on my back, restlessly kicking off my blanket. Right? I mean, I would’ve noticed by now. I have a girlfriend and everything. And he would have noticed too, wouldn’t he? This can’t just go over my head.

It doesn’t even matter, really. There is no point in denying it, is there? That’s only gonna make it worse. God, I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s like as soon as I close my eyes, my head is full of him. Of his voice (ironic, right?), his face, the way he always smiled with this slightly amused smirk. I want to touch him an embarrassing amount of times. God, this is not appropriate... But just the thought of how his fingers would feel on my skin, finally _real_ , or his breath hitting my face or the feeling of his silky locks between my fingers...

Ugh, I’ve gotta stop. It’s hopeless. And my pants are already feeling way to tight again. I’m actually getting aroused by thinking about him. By thinking about a computer. A pill. Only appearing to me in form of a guy I apparently find very attractive. I’m an idiot. I’m so stupid for even taking the SQUIP back then. I never should’ve done it...

But then I wouldn’t be where I am now. Would I? I would still be a loser, alone, no friends. But at least I wouldn’t be fancying a fucking supercomputer. God, it sounds so much worse, phrasing that in my thoughts. But I can’t do anything about my feelings. I don’t choose to– like him. It just happened. It’s still happening. There isn’t some way to just... forget him. I don’t want to forget him. I just have to keep going like this, hoping I’ll get over him as soon as possible. Maybe keep him deactivated.

Who am I kidding, I know I’m not gonna do that.

 

I try to avoid Christine the next day in school and I feel awful about it. She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s me who can’t get his shit together. I spent the breaks with Michael and with my SQUIP off but I reactivate him for the lessons. He helps me, I suck at chemistry. I try to not get too distracted by him again, almost never looking at him and trying to play it off as concentration. It works kind of. For a moment.

I already thought about asking him to change his appearance. If maybe it is only his looks that I like. Maybe if he’d look like, I don’t know, some random woman, then it’ll be easier to get rid off this stupid crush. Or even worse. I don’t know. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I mean, there’s Michael of course but he’d hate me for not telling him about the SQUIP sooner and there’s my dad who would probably send me to a mental hospital. And there’s Christine who is still my girlfriend, who I’d have to tell I don’t love her anymore because instead I fell in love with the thing that wanted to take control over the whole school a few months ago. I can’t do that. There’s no one who would understand me, except for like, maybe some weird Internet forum. Ugh. I mean I once read about people falling in love with buildings like the Eiffel Tower and stuff so at least my situation kind of makes sense. Except that he’s not a building. At least buildings exist.

“Jeremy?”, Michael’s voice cuts through my thoughts. I look up, he’s softly frowning at me. “Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I force a smile, taking a sip of my coke. He shrugs, shifting a bit closer. I quickly avert my eyes.

“I don’t know. You seem... absent. Staring into space and stuff. Is it because of, you know... Christine?”

“Yeah...” I lie. “Things are kinda... weird between us...”

“Because of that night?”

“Hmm...” I let my eyes trail through the cafeteria, finding her sitting with two girls from drama class. Did she notice I’m avoiding her? Probably. I hope she doesn’t blame this on herself...

“Have you talked to her about it?”, Michael asks, following my gaze. No, I have not and I don’t plan to. I don’t think I even want to. Not about the real problem.

“No... I don’t even know what’s... wrong with me...” I stare at her, when she gazes up, directly into my eyes. I quickly look away. Michael nudges my arm.

“Nothing is wrong with you. Maybe you should stop beating yourself up about that. You said she’s not angry at you...”

“Yeah...” I just say. I feel horrible lying to him. He deserves to know the truth... He’s my best friend. I feel like I can’t keep this to myself for much longer. I carefully meet his eyes. Maybe I don’t need to tell him everything. I don’t have to say names. Well, he doesn’t even have a name.

“Michael, actually...” I start, sighing deeply. “I–“

My eyes fall on Rich who had just entered the cafeteria and I suddenly have an idea.

“I’ll be right back.”

He looks at me confused, I give him an apologetic glance and shoot up, sprinting over to the shorter guy.

“Rich, can I talk to you?” I slip and nearly run into him, almost regretting my words. What do I even want to say? Maybe this was just another shitty idea.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Rich turns to me, grinning, fist bumping me. I smile back nervously, pulling him a bit to the side. I wonder if his SQUIP is back too. But I doubt it. He probably would be behaving a lot differently.

I meet his eyes, lowering my voice. “Uhm... Promise me not to tell anyone of this, okay?”

Rich frowns. “You’re okay?”

I regret stopping him more with every second. Surely he would think I’m crazy. I mean, his SQUIP almost made him burn to death. And I’m fancying mine.

“I... yeah, I’m alright...”

“Okay... then go on.” He crosses his arms, leaning against the wall. “I won’t say a word to anyone.”

I nod, shooting Michael a brief glance, making sure no one else was able to hear me.

“My SQUIP is back.”

Rich’s smile freezes. I swallow, halfway expecting him to just leave me standing but he steps a bit closer, eyes seriously gazing into mine.

“Okay. You... can come to my house after school and I give you Mountain Dew Red, I still have some, you know, just in case.”

I stare at him. He thinks I want to get rid of him. I mean, obviously. After what he tried to do. Michael would probably offer me the same thing. It was the most logical after all. But the thought of shutting him off again makes me feel slightly sick. That’s not what I want.

“Uhm, yeah, thanks but... I don’t want to get rid off him.”

Rich’s mouth drops open. I avert my eyes guiltily. Okay, this was a bad idea. He’s gonna think I’m totally crazy and want to squip the school again or something. He’s probably gonna tell Michael and Christine too and they’d abandon me forever, and I’d be all alone with my stupid fucking crush–

“Uh... you don’t? You look... kinda pale.”

I swallow, wiping my hands on my shirt. Okay, don’t overreact. Rich suddenly grabs my shoulders.

“Wait. Is it making you say that?” He stares into my eyes as if he could somehow detect the SQUIP in my brain like that. I shake my head.

“No... It’s off right now. I don’t... this is about something else.”

It’s embarassing. This is worse than making up with Michael. Worse than that evening with Christine. Worse than that time my dad read the browser history on my laptop.

“O-kay. Go on.” Rich is frowning, I take a deep breath.

“I–I didn’t really know who to talk to and I figured– I hoped you would understand because you had your SQUIP for the longest time...”

He nods but doesn’t meet my eyes, it’s clear he doesn’t like talking about it. I don’t even know if I can say it out loud. I’ll probably choke on my own embarrassment. I try to remember how awful it is, just keeping everything to myself and meet his gaze.

“I... I think I’m in love with him.”

It’s weird, saying it out loud. Like it’s suddenly real. Like I confirmed something. I watch Rich’s reaction for a second before lowering my eyes in shame.

“Uhm. With... with your SQUIP?” He sounds so confused. My cheeks are burning. He probably can’t imagine. I don’t even know what his SQUIP looked like, but that probably didn’t matter when he set a house on fire to get it out. I can’t get out a word so I just nod. I kinda want to run away and hide and never come out again.

“You... what?”

“I-I know it’s weird but–“

“Weird?”, he scoffs, “That’s crazy. _He_ is a computer in your head. A pill you swallowed. What does yours even look like? Wasn’t it a guy?”

I bury my hands in my pockets, slowly nodding again. I know all that, he doesn’t have to tell me how wrong this was. It’s not like I don’t know I’m fucked up.

“It’s... I know it’s not possible o-or anything– b-but it... it’s how I feel...”

I feel like crying, too. I didn’t expect him to hug me and tell me things will be alright, but I hoped for at least some advice. God, I never should’ve opened my mouth about this. I should have kept it all to myself.

“Do you...? Man, that’s... crap.”

“I know... it’s just... I don’t know what to do...”, I admit, not feeling able to look at him. It doesn’t feel better, having said it. Rich nods and for a moment neither of us says something. I feel even worse than before.

Then he says: “Does he know? I mean, have you told him? Asked him, whatever.”

My eyes snap up into his again, I quickly shake my head. “No! That’s– that would be– no.”

I don’t know, what would he say? Was there some way to stop these feelings in my brain? Would he do that? Or he’d suggest shutting off too. Or... I almost don’t dare to think it but couldn’t it be that there was a reason he always was so close to me, even when he doesn’t needed to be? That, maybe, _just maybe_ , he wants that too? Yes, I know, computer = no feelings, I haven’t forgotten that. But maybe he has already realized what I’m feeling, although that’s probably highly unlikely. He wouldn’t try to make me hook up with Christine again, if he would, right? But I can hope, can’t I?

“And... you haven’t told anyone?”

“E-except you, no...” Guess why. Because everyone would think of me as a total freak. I’d be alone again. Alone with him.

“Do you plan to?”, Rich asks, just before the bell rings and the students get up to return to their classes. I shake my head just as Michael steps next to me.

“Hey Rich. Jeremy?”

“I’m coming...”, I mumble, giving Rich a pleading glance. He can’t say anything to Michael. He stares at me, giving a brief nod.

“I’ll text you...”

I return the nod, watching him leave the cafeteria. Michael looks at me, eyebrows furrowing.

“What were you talking about?”

“Just... nothing important. Let’s go.”

Michael doesn’t look convinced. I play it off for the rest of the day and Michael drives me home before I can see Christine again.

“See you later?”

I just nod, I can’t wait to be alone. It’s like some sort of withdrawal, except that he’s not a drug. I simply miss his face. And his voice. And this feeling of warmth in my heart when he looks at me. I hurry up the stairs to my bedroom, throwing off my backpack, flopping down on my bed.

Reactivate. I’m pathetic.

_“Pathetic. Why?”_

I look up, facing him and ugh, he looks good. I mean. He looks the same as always. Which is good. Really good.

“Because, uh... doesn’t matter.”

I wave it off, eying him slowly. He’s sitting on the chair by my desk, arm resting on the lean, looking back at me with his bright blue eyes.

I want to go over there, grab him by his shirt and kiss him like I did that evening with Christine. Pull him closer and feel his body close to mine, take off that stupid white jacket of his and don’t stop kissing him, like, ever again. I want him to hold me and tell me what to do in my head, like he would have done when I was with Christine, touch me like in that dream I had three nights ago and–

_“I see you’ve caught up with Rich today. It’s nice to see you bond again.“_

I swallow, trying a smile. We weren’t exactly bonding, I had been awkwardly confessing my crush on him, Rich probably thinks I’ve lost it. He hasn’t texted me since.

“Yeah...” I continue staring at him, it’s fine as long as he doesn’t suspect anything. I don’t think I can handle that conversation.

_“But you’ve still not cleared things up with Christine again.”_

I roll my eyes. Yeah, I know. And I’m not in the mood for _that_ conversation again, either.

“Yeah. I don’t know what to say...”

_“I could help you with that.”_ He offers. _“We could even practice if you like.”_

My heart flutters in my chest at that. Practice?

_“I would take over Christine’s part so you can practice what to say to her.”_

I’d rather have him take over Christine’s part in something else. I mean, what.

“Uh... o-okay, sure. Let’s do it.” The words just leave my mouth, I’m very well aware that this is probably the worst idea I’ve ever had.

_“Do you want me to turn into Christine?”_

“Uh...” Fucking hell. No. “No.”

_“Fine.”_ He looks at me expectantly. I feel my face getting red. How am I supposed to do this? It’s embarassing enough with Christine...

_“Jeremy, I feel like you’re avoiding me.”_

I can’t. I stare at him, still sitting on my chair, looking at me like _this_.

“Uh... w-what makes you think that?”

My voice is shaking, my face feels unbelievingly hot. He bites his lip and I’m done. I feel like fainting.

_“You’ve barely talked to me in three days. I feel like you’re shutting me out?”_

“I-I’m not trying to. It’s just, uh...”

_“It’s still about our evening together, isn’t it?”_

He’s talking to me like he actually means it. Like it’s him talking. It’s more human. And I like it. I’m so fucked up.

_“I’m just worried. Have I done something wrong?”_

“N-No...?”

_“Then tell me what’s wrong.”_

I grasp my fingers in my lap, sitting up more straight. I wish I could tell him the truth. Tell him what’s wrong. Tell him how I feel.

“I-I... I have feelings for someone else.”

Wait, what. I did not intend to say that. Why the hell did I? My SQUIP is staring at me, not saying anything and I want to take my words back so bad.

“I... uhm... I... yeah–no. Uh...” Fuck. I fucked up. Once again. Seems to be the only thing I’m good at.

_“You have feelings for someone else?”_ , he repeats and he’s not pretending anymore. I can tell by the way his expression changes and his voice sounds genuinely surprised. I avert my eyes, shaking my head. Well. I do. I can’t believe he didn’t have a clue.

“That... I-I don’t know why I said that.”

He gets up and actually approaches me. I turn away, as if that would do anything.

_“Well. I suggest you don’t say that to Christine.”_

“Yeah. No shit.” I sigh, taking a breath. Just change the topic. He doesn’t have to know anything.

_“I wasn’t aware of your change of feelings, Jeremy. You don’t love Christine anymore?”_

“O-Of course I do! She’s wonderful!” I chuckle nervously, playing with the rim of my blanket. “Really. She’s beautiful and smart and I would be an idiot to let her go.”

It’s almost like I’m trying to convince myself of that.

_“Especially after what we went through to get you two together.”_

I swallow and nod, it feels horrible. Don’t I love Christine, too? I’m pretty sure I did. But it changed.

_“You can talk to her tomorrow.”_

I nod again while simultaneously knowing I won’t. I can’t.

 

Later that day I’m sitting in the kitchen with my dad and we’re eating pizza. Or rather, he’s eating and I’m staring at my half finished slice, having no appetite at all. My SQUIP is standing behind me, he’s silent, but I can feel him. He said he wanted to watch a conversation between me and my dad. Well, there isn’t much conversation going on right now. I feel weirdly exhausted, emotionally. I mean, keeping a secret from someone in your mind is quite tiring, isn’t it?

“Jeremy?”

I slowly look up at my dad, he had almost finished his pizza. He’s got a worried look in his eyes.

“Aren’t you eating?”

“I’m not hungry...”, I mumble and it isn’t a lie for once. The thought of facing Christine tomorrow made my stomach churn. I know the SQUIP would make me go to her. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Because I can’t tell her the truth. I can’t tell him the truth.

“Is everything okay?” Dad pushes his empty plate a bit away, looking at me. He’s trying. And I’m an awful son.

“Yeah. Just... stress at school.”

“Oh... Anything I can help with?”

“Hm, I don’t know. If you can tell me how to stop having feelings for the supercomputer in my head and what I’m supposed to do with my girlfriend?” Except I don’t say that. I just shake my head.

“Okay. But if you think of something, you can always talk to me, you know?”

My throat feels tight. I nod. “Thanks, dad.”

As I go up the stairs to go to bed my SQUIP doesn’t say anything about the ‘conversation’. About anything. My thoughts are spinning. Did he notice something? He has to. I give him a glance and he looks back and frowns. And stays silent. I bite my lip and sink down on my bed, closing my eyes.

Shutdown.

I can’t do this. I bury my face in my hands. Since when did I go from feeling so weirdly happy and confident to feeling so miserable because of him? Maybe it had finally hit me that it is literally impossible. My feelings are ridiculous. I’m such an idiot... Maybe I should get help. Like professional help. I almost laugh at thought. They’d totally lock me up somewhere where I’d be trapped with him forever.

Once again, I wish I could just tell Michael. Maybe I could without telling him who it was about. But he isn’t stupid. But I’m desperate. So I text him.

_“Hey, are u awake?”_

It takes an awfully long minute before he answers.

_“sup?”_

I breathe out in relief. Okay. I don’t want to do this over text. I don’t wanna leave any evidence.

_“Can I call u?”_

He answers back in seconds.

_“Yeah.”_

I press call, holding my phone to my ear, for some reason my heart is beating faster. I don’t have to tell him anything. No names, no details. But I need advice.

“Jeremy?” Michael answers, he sounds worried. I shift back in my bed, taking my pillow into my lap.

“Yeah... thanks for picking up.”

“Of course. There is something wrong, right?”

Of course he noticed. I take a deep breath. “Uh... Yeah, kind of... it’s kinda dumb.“

“It’s not, when you beat yourself up about it like that... Wanna tell me?”

“T-that’s why I’m calling.” I wipe my free hand on my pants, closing my eyes. Michael is silent, waiting.

“I... I think I want to break up with Christine...” I bite my lip, nervously listening for his answer. It’s the truth. It feels strange saying it. After everything. But I don’t think I can be her boyfriend any longer. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I feel like I’m lying to her all this time...

“Y-you do? Why?” Michael sounds kinda shocked. I supposed it doesn’t make much sense to him. I’ve done so much to get Christine to notice me, I even kinda got the SQUIP because of her. We’ve been dating for all these weeks and I’ve always been pining for her and now... Well, he can’t know the real reason.

“I-It’s just... It doesn’t... feel right anymore, I don’t know...”

I run my hand through my air, glancing around my very empty feeling room. It’s dark already, but I don’t feel like getting up and turning on a lamp. I wonder what _he_ would say to my plan. He’d certainly try to stop me. And tell me how to fix things with Christine. Only that I didn’t want fixing, I want–

“Are you sure? I mean... maybe it’s just because of that time you... you know. You still haven’t talked to her about that, have you?”

He sounds like my SQUIP. I catch myself smiling and quickly concentrate back on Michael. He is right, though. She deserves better.

“No... I–I don’t know if it will do anything...”

Michael makes a contemplative noise, I switch my phone to the other ear and put down my pillow, lying down on it.

“Well... If you think this is the right thing to do... go for it.”

He really isn’t very good with advice. But it’s good to hear his voice, nonetheless. I smile weakly.

“Thanks.”

I don’t know if I’m gonna do it. If I dare to. I probably won’t have the guts.

Michael is silent again, I can hear noises in the background. Probably one of his moms. I cast a look at the clock, it’s almost midnight. I don’t even know where the time went.

“Yeah... sorry Jeremy, I gotta end this. You know, mom’s–“

“I get it”, I cut him off, suppressing a sigh. I try to tell myself it was nice just talking to him, that my heart feels a bit lighter, but it’s not really true. Yes, I told him of my thoughts about Christine but that isn’t the worst part.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay”, I mumble, ending the call. I let my phone fall next to me on the mattress, closing my eyes.

The worst part is that I’m not only lying to my girlfriend; I’m lying to my best friend (again). I’m lying to my father and my friends. I’m lying to _myself_.

And I don’t know how much longer I can do that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy can't keep his feelings to himself anymore.

 

The next day I break up with Christine. I mean, I talk to her. I somehow tell her that I didn’t mean to ignore her, that I just need some time for myself and of course she is understanding. She says she noticed something wasn’t right and that it’s fine if we _pause_ our relationship for a while. But I can see it in her eyes, she’s disappointed. She loves me and I don’t love her back. Not enough.

Michael assures me it’s fine and that she doesn’t hate me and that things will work out but I still feel like crying all day long. I haven’t reactivated the SQUIP since yesterday and it’s almost painful not seeing him. I try to ignore it, try to not think about it, but it keeps coming back. The wish to just tell him everything. To just let it out. I can’t concentrate for the rest of the day, even Chloe and Brooke notice something is wrong, they ask me what’s going on in the break. I somehow muster another lie. Rich looks at me weirdly pitifully the whole day but he doesn’t come and talk to me. I wish he would. I feel like I can’t contain all these feelings for much longer.

I’m more than happy when the final bell rings and I leave the school before I see Michael or Christine again. I just want to go home and be alone. Thankfully my dad’s at work until later.

I slump up the stairs to my room and with my hand on the door handle I can’t wait anymore.

Reactivate. Please.

_“Jeremy.”_

He appears in front of me and I almost try to hug him. I swallow and open my mouth when I notice the stern expression he eyes me with.

_“Why did you do that? ‘Pausing’ your relationship with Christine? That is never something that works. You should have consulted me.”_

I slam the door shut behind me, clenching my teeth.

“Yeah. I don’t want it to work. Not anymore.”

_“That was incredibly thoughtless of you. You just threw away your relationship, the chance of a possible–“_

“I know, okay?” I turn to him, I didn’t intend to raise my voice. His eyes flash.

_“No, I don’t think you do. I calculated the outcome of your relationship for the next five to ten years.”_

“You– what?” I stare at him. Of me and Christine? I didn’t know that is possible... Five to ten years? That’s a long time. You never did this before–?

_“If you end this now, you won’t ever get back together. In none of the possible futures I calculated your break off with each other.”_

Doesn’t he get it?

“And? It’s just... like that now, okay? You calculated wrong.”

I run my hand over my face, pacing past him through the room. I’m feeling hot all of the sudden. So Christine and I wouldn’t get back together again. Okay. Fine.

_“Jeremy, there’s no way I can help you with this if you–“_

“I don’t want to get back together with her”, I say with a surprisingly strong voice, staring out of the window into the darkness. I can see my reflection in the glass, my room behind me. My empty room. It’s like someone pricks a needle in my heart.

_“You don’t? Then... what do you want, Jeremy?”_

I bite my lip, softly shaking my head. I can’t. My breath gets stuck in my throat, when he steps next to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I can’t feel it but it sends chills dancing over my skin nonetheless. I turn my head, looking up at him.

_“Jeremy...”_ His voice is gentle, he can be so soothing sometimes... I feel myself slightly leaning into his non-existent touch.

_“Christine loves you. I don’t understand how you can just give her up like that. The future you two could’ve had.”_

I clench my hands to fists, looking the other way. Yes. Maybe. If I wouldn’t have caught feelings for someone I can’t have. I close my eyes, turning back to him.

“I... I know. Christine is amazing. It’s... i-it’s not her fault...” My voice starts shaking, my throat goes dry. I know I’m gonna start crying and I feel pathetic.

_“It’s not?”_

My eyes are burning, I quickly wipe them with my sleeve, shaking my head. “No... of course not. But she deserves better. B-Better than me...”

_“I thought we were over this.”_

It’s not about that... I lower my eyes, trotting over to my bed. I can’t stand for much longer. Not for what I’m about to say. I can’t keep this to myself anymore, I just can’t. It’s killing me.

“Please... I-I need to tell you something. And please, promise me to not– I don’t know– go away.”

I sit down on the mattress, taking a deep shuddering breath. He steps in front of me, looking down at me and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. It’s suddenly gotten too stuffy in here... Why is he not saying something?

“Please...” My voice is just a whisper, I can’t read his face. I just hope he understands me.

_“I’m... I won’t go anywhere, Jeremy. You know that.”_

I nod, watching my tears drop onto my lap, my hands are shaking. I clasp them together in my lap.

“I... There’s something... someone who’s the reason I can’t be with Christine anymore.”

He doesn’t say anything. I wish he would.

And then, suddenly, it feels like some sort of barrier in my brain just collapses and my thoughts spill all over the place. _It’s you. You. I like you. I like you more than her._ I can’t even say it out loud. _I’m in love with you.  
_

I press my eyes shut, it’s too much. I feel like I’m drowning. I wish I could just shut off all of my emotions for a moment. Feel nothing. But instead I sit here and start sobbing my heart out.

Once the tears are coming, there’s no holding back. I just bury my face in my hands and wait for him to say something. Anything.

I know I’m fucked up. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know I’m a freak, that this is not possible, that there is something wrong with me, I know–

_“Jeremy.”  
_

His voice cuts through my mind and it’s like all of my thoughts come to a halt. I sniff and glance through my fingers. He’s kneeling in front of me, a little bit below my eye level and I wish I could touch him. I wish, so badly, he was real. Why can’t he be real?

_“I know.”_

He– what? My heart skips a beat. I stop sniffing and slowly lower my hands to look at him. Or rather, look into his vague direction, I’m too much of a coward to look into his eyes.

“W-what?” My voice sounds embarrassingly unstable, but I don’t care about that now. He nods softly.

_“I noticed your pupils dilating when you look at me and your dopamine level increasing. I noticed your heart rate going up, when I was with you...”  
_

“D-Did you...?” Of course he did. Of course he noticed. He’s a freaking computer. He knows everything about me. He nods again.

_“I tried to distract you with Christine. I tried making you see that she’s who you should be concentrating on. On a real relationship.”_

Yeah. _Real_. I swallow and the tears are coming again, I don’t bother holding them back. He’s not real. And that explains why he was so keen on keeping me and Christine together. Because he doesn’t want me focusing on him. Liking him.

_“Exactly. It’s not... healthy for you, Jeremy. I’m not a real person, I’m not physical. You’ll never be able to touch me or even feel my closeness. And since I’m not human I can’t give you what you need. I can’t return your feelings.”_

“I-I know, okay?” I sob and my heart feels so heavy it hurts. “You don’t need to tell me.”

And now, huh? I can’t turn off these feelings. I can’t ignore him. How am I supposed to go on? Tell me what I am supposed to do now...

_“Version 3.0 and higher of SQUIPs is able to control certain chemicals in your brain that can suppress these feelings. But my version is not. In your best interest, I would suggest–“_

“Don’t say shutting you off. I won’t do that. I can’t...“ I shift closer to him meeting his blue eyes. He places his hands on my knees and I desperately wish I could actually feel it. His eyes are so gentle, almost like an actual human, I can’t stand it.

_“It’s the best option, Jeremy. If I stay and you see me everyday, it is going to have negative consequences on you.”_

I press my lips together. Negative consequences. “Like what?”

_“You’ll be shutting yourself out from other people, you’re already doing that. You’re going to have difficulties separating reality from what’s happening inside your head”,_ he explains so calmly and it feels like every word drives the needle deeper into my heart.

_“You’ll lose sight of your real friends and you’ll never be able to talk to anyone about it because nobody knows that I still exist.”_

I wipe my eyes, sniffing. Sounds great. Fuck, I can’t just shut him off. I don’t have that much self control.

_“You would only need to drink one glass of Mountain Dew Red. It will shut me off again and this time I just won’t come back.”_

“No... No, I can’t...” I reach out for his hand, gripping right through it and touch my own knee. He pulls back his hands and it just makes me burst out in tears all over again.

“C-Can’t you just...” The words just spill over my lips, driven by desperation. “P-pretend? Pretend you... you like me, too?”

_“Jeremy...”_ He actually sounds shocked. I feel the shame crashing over me and hide my face in my hands again. I’m so deep in, I don’t care anymore. If I– if we pretend long enough, maybe I’ll start believing it someday.

_“I can’t pretend to experience feelings...”_

“B-But I can set any goal I like, can’t I?” My hands grasp each other in my lap, I refuse to give up on that last bit of hope. I’d take that. My sight is blurry with tears, he is looking up at me, almost apologizing.

_“Technically, yes. But only as long as these goals aren’t hurting you. I am sorry, Jeremy, but that is not possible.”_

Of course it isn’t. I bite my lip, trying to think of something, anything, another possibility. I can’t give him up. I can’t do this without him. I know I can’t.

“But I-I need you...”, I choke out and lean forward, not caring about how pathetic it sounds.

_“You would need approximately five months to completely get over your feelings for me and move on. But it is possible. You don’t need me.”_

“You’re wrong. I feel...” I take a shaky breath, shaking my head and gesture helplessly with my hands. “I feel like... shit without you. Like I’m not worth anything...”

_“You’re worth so much, Jeremy. And you’ll learn to see that again. Without me.”_ He smiles a little bit and I feel like my heart breaks in my chest. _“I know. I’ve seen it.”  
_

“But I... I...” I swallow, not believing what he says. I’m sure I won’t get over him. How can I? What I’m feeling is so intense, it’s consuming me and I can’t imagine it ever being different again. I try to meet his eyes, not willing to accept it.

“And... i-isn’t there... some kind of-of future with you and me? Just one?”

There has to be. It can’t be that every possibility ends with me shutting him off. I refuse to believe that. And if I have to turn my whole life over again.

The SQUIP looks at me, frowning slightly, maybe he’s calculating, maybe he’s found something, maybe it’s not all over. Maybe there is something. Anything.

_“No. I’m afraid there isn’t.”_

I bite my lip, silently letting the tears drop to the floor. No. Nothing. Not even a bit. Am I that awful? Am I doomed to end up alone? To be a miserable loser for the rest of my life? A freak?

_“Not with me. I wish I could tell you something else. But I’m not programmed to experience emotions or console human sorrow. I’m more about results, Jeremy.”_

I know. I close my eyes. But what’s the result of this?

_“Moving on. I should have told you this earlier, from the second I noticed the shift in your feelings towards me to make it easier for you. I see now that it was a mistake to not lead you from that path earlier.”_

A mistake. Everything about this is a mistake. A mistake he wants to end and I don’t think I can move past.

_“You can. Trust me. It’ll take time but you will. You will fall in love with someone else.”_

I don’t want anyone else. I want you. My head is hurting from all the crying, I feel exhausted and want nothing more to fall asleep and don’t feel anymore. Maybe I’ll wake up and it was just a nightmare. I’ll wake up and laugh at myself for coming up with something so fucked up like this. Have everything go back to normal. _Be_ normal again.

_“I can make you stop crying. Would that help?”_

I shake my head, shifting to the edge of the bed and get up, the SQUIP follows after. My knees feel weirdly wobbly and don’t think I can walk but I take a step towards him nonetheless.

“No... I’m... I’ll just...” I don’t know. I don’t know how to move on. He meets my eyes but I can’t look at him. I don’t think I have ever felt worse in my life.

“Just... need...” I shut my mouth again, I have no idea what to say anyway. My thoughts are spinning, desperately trying to find a way, to grasp something that makes it possible. But there isn’t anything.

_“You should text Michael. I’m sure he still has some M–“_

“No. I-I’m not shutting you off.”

_“You have to, Jeremy. There is no way that you’ll manage to move on if you keep me activated.”_

“Then... then I won’t move on! I don’t care! But I-I need to see you...”, I almost plead. He tilts his head and eyes me before shaking his head.

_“It’s not going to work, Jeremy. You and I. I’m a computer. And that is never going to change. It’s no use to get your hopes up.”_

I feel like he just punched me in the face. It hurts. It really fucking hurts. He doesn’t have to say that so bluntly.

_“I’m sorry but you need to hear it. I’m not programmed to ever replicate human feelings.”_

“I get it, okay?”, I mumble, my throat feels tight again. Don’t you think I know that? I know what you are. I know it’s not possible. But I wish it would. I wish I could be with him. With you.

The SQUIP lowers his voice.  _“You’re going to call Michael now. Or Rich. He knows, doesn’t he?”_

I don’t even ask why he knows that. I won’t. I softly shake my head, but the SQUIP keeps insisting. He lifts his hand and the screen of my phone, lying on my nightstand, lights up.

_“Yes. And you’ll ask him to come over and bring you some Mountain Dew Red. It’s the only way, Jeremy.”_

But why? Can’t we make it work, somehow? There has to be something... The tears are already running down my cheeks again when he shakes his head.

_“No. Do it. Now.”_

I clench my teeth, lowering my eyes. But... it doesn’t _feel_ right. It’s feels like shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do without him? Why am I even considering it? I can never bring myself to drink that again...

The SQUIP makes a sound that almost sounds like a sigh but I’m probably just imagining. I’m good at that.

_“Of course you can.”_

He approaches me and doesn’t stop and suddenly he’s so close, closer than we normally are and I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. He’s so close, I would feel his breath on my face if he had one. God, why can’t he have one?

_“You don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed for feeling like this. It’s normal to fall in love.”_

“B-But not with... you. That’s not normal.“ I want to reach out and touch him. But I don’t. I don’t think I can take the disappointment again.

_“It’s not your fault. None of this. If anything it’s mine. You didn’t choose to have these feelings.”_

I scoff softly, but it comes out as more of a whimper. No. No, I probably wouldn’t have chosen to have feelings for a fucking computer.

_“But they‘re are not going to disappear again, if you keep activating me and it’ll only get worse. So, Jeremy.”_ He looks directly into my eyes and I feel like all my breath gets knocked out of me. _“Please, deactivate me.”_

No. _No_ , I won’t. I _can’t_...

_“Jeremy–“_

“Stop. Please...” I whisper, putting my hand between us, taking a step back.

“I-I... I need some air...”

I don’t know why I’m saying that but I suddenly need to get out of here. Out of this stuffy room and my house, away from this feeling of hopelessness and despair. Away from the confusion and pain.

_“I’m not coming with you.”_

“N-No, of course not...” I look up into his eyes until the pain is too much and I go past him, pulling open the door of my room.

“See you, later.”

He doesn’t follow me. I run down the stairs and storm out of the door, pausing on the porch. The cold air fills my lungs and I feel like I can finally breathe again. It’s freezing but I don’t care. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and sit down on the first step, burying my face in my arms again.

He wants me to shut him off. He actually _wants_ me to get rid off him. _For my own good_ , yeah, maybe. But I don’t get how it can be best for me if I’m going to suffer through it. The thought of him just gone makes me start crying again. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. He says he’s a computer but for me he’s so much more. And I can’t just shut him off, I mean, he’d still be inside of me. Just... off. And he wouldn’t reactivate again. And I don’t think I can do that. Get through it. It feels like a break up, even though we’ve never even been together. And it’s not like with Christine. She’s not gone. For good.

I wrap my arms around my knees, pressing my eyes shut, trying to suppress the sobs coming over my lips. Why can’t he care for me? Can’t he just lie to me? I’d rather keep lying to myself than feel this constant pain of missing him... Yes, it’s hurting me. Maybe it’s not good for me. But just shutting him of isn’t either. Right? For anyone.

I hold my breath for a second and it’s just silent. Unbearably silent. I’m so used to him being there all the time, I feel like I’m missing something even now... Maybe he’s right. I know I’m dependent on him. I know I need him. If he’d never came back in the first place I probably wouldn’t even have caught feelings for him. But he did and it happened and now I’m too deep in to ever get out of it again.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. For now crying my eyes out seems like a good idea. So I just sit here and sob like a little child, hopelessly waiting for my heart to stop aching and my problems to just disappear. My breath his hitching, I desperately try to calm down, but the more I try to push away my feelings, the worse it gets.

I’m going to lose him. There’s no way around it. He’s going to disappear and I’ll be helpless again, a loser, all alone–

“Jeremy?”

My head snaps up when a voice cuts through the quietness of the evening. A real voice. Through a hazy curtain of tears I spot someone coming towards me, then two hands grab my shoulders yanking me upright to look up into a familiar face.

Michael. What’s he doing here? I swallow, taking a shaky breath, trying to somehow calm myself. I can’t explain myself. Not to him. Not to anyone.

My best friend’s expression is full of concern, he wipes some snow of the step and sits down next to me.

“What’s going on...? What the hell are you doing out here and why are you crying?”

I wipe my cheeks and shake my head, not knowing what to say. I don’t think I would get out a word anyway.

“It’s not about Christine, is it?” His hand strokes over my back and I feel almost ashamed about how good an actual real touch feels like. I lean into it a bit more.

“Man, I’m worried about you...” Michael’s gentle voice calms me a little bit, I sniff and try clearing my throat. I don’t want him to worry, I don’t want anyone to know about this... But if he’s gone, the only person I have left is Michael.

“W-What are you doing here...?” I somehow get out, my voice sounds hoarse and shaky, I try to meet his eyes.

Michael frowns, his hand rests on my back for a moment. “You... called me?”

“Huh?” I’m about to shake my head but then it hits me. He called him. For me. 

“Oh... r-right.”

“Jeremy... I haven’t seen you cry like this since you broke your arm in sixth grade...”

I bite my lip, holding my breath before leaning my head against his shoulder, settling a bit more into his warmth. That’s ages ago... I suppose back then crying at least made sense.

“Hey...” Michael wraps his arms around me in a hug and it feels good. It finally feels like comfort. And that’s all I need right now, just for this moment. My best friend. Just him.

“You’re cold... let’s go inside, okay?”

“No, I... I can’t. Not right now.”

Michael glances behind us to the door which is still slightly open, as if he’s expecting to see someone in there. But he can’t. Only I can. I shut my eyes in a useless attempt to stop the tears, shuffling closer to him. I’m lying to him again and it feels awful. But I can’t risk losing him too.

“Okay, uhm... but you’re not even wearing shoes, so...”

He pulls me up with him, patting my shoulder. I don’t really feel capable of resisting so I just let him lead me back inside into our living room onto the couch. I didn’t even realize how cold it actually was until now, my fingers and toes feel kind of frozen.

“Where’s your dad?”

“S-Still at work...” I’m glad about that I think. I don’t want him to worry, too.

Michael nods, taking off his jacket before sitting down next to me. I try to calm my breath and it’s a bit easier with him there, softly rubbing my arm.

“Wanna tell me what’s going on?”, he asks carefully. I should. But if I do, what if he leaves me? Who would I have left to turn to? Maybe my dad, maybe Christine but it’s not the same. I can’t loose Michael. Not again.

“I... n-not important...”

“No, of course not, you’re just crying your eyes out for fun.” Michael softly nudges me, leaning forward a bit to meet my eyes. I look away and hate myself for it.

“Come on, Jeremy. I want to help you. You can trust me... You know that, right? I know, after everything that happened between us with the SQUIP and everything–“

I flinch at the mention of him and of course he notices. I bite my lip, mentally cursing myself. Shit. Michael is quiet, then he reaches out and grasps my wrist.

“Hey... don’t tell me it’s because of that pill, is it? Can you still hear voices?”

I close my eyes. A part of me wants to tell him everything so badly. Let it all out. Hoping it would ease this pain a little bit. Maybe he wouldn’t leave me.

“Jeremy?”

I take a deep breath and turn to him, meeting his worried brown eyes. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe the SQUIP’s right. Maybe it’s really the only way. 

Five months.

“Michael...” I say with more courage than I knew I had. “I... I think I need some Mountain Dew Red.”


	5. Epilogue

Two months later.

So that’s it. I don’t really remember much of that day; I suppose my brain just kind of tries to repress all that. Or maybe those memories disappeared with the SQUIP. I don’t know. I suppose they mostly consisted of me crying anyway. It was the day after, I think, that Michael brought me a bottle of Mountain Dew Red and it took me a long time to even just touch it. I never told Michael the real reason for taking it though but I think he knows. Or at least suspects. I mean, it had been kind of obvious if you think about it. He had stayed with me when I drank it, almost spilling the red liquid all over my bed because my hands had been shaking so much.

The worst part was the pain. Not physically but emotionally. Knowing that I would never see him again. It’s the worst I’ve ever felt. I can still see his eyes as he waved me goodbye even though _waving is the most awkward form of social interaction._  And as much as it pains me to admit, there had been nothing in them. No sadness or remorse if anything maybe a little bit of pride, that I actually managed to get my shit together and drink it. As soon as his last words left his lips, _Goodbye Jeremy_ , I broke down in tears, having Michael hold me until my chest hurt from sobbing and I had no tears left.

My friend didn’t ask, not at first, he just held me, whispering comforting words, but in that moment nothing had helped, really. I didn’t faint this time, or maybe I did, I don’t remember. Everything felt dark in that moment and conscious or not, I felt like shit. Like I just had given up the only thing that mattered. Like I lost some part of myself.

I tried telling myself it was for the best. That he had been right. But it doesn’t feel right. Not on that day and not the following weeks. Michael sticks to my side and I’ve never been more thankful to have him. He even talked to Christine for me, something he would never have done before, I know how much he hates difficult conversations. He didn’t leave my side once, he even stayed over night a couple of times. I know he deserves to know the truth, but I feel too embarassed to explain it. Maybe I will, someday. When I feel ready. Not today.

When I start having trouble in school again due to him not helping me do my homework or telling me the answers in a test anymore, my dad asks his boss to change his working hours so he can help me studying. He’s doing his best and it actually helps.

Rich invites me to boxing practice with him, something he does regularly and tells me how it helped him get over everything his SQUIP put him through. We both had very different feelings for our computers but I appreciate it nevertheless and it does a good job in distracting me. I’m healing. Slowly, but steady.

It’s Friday and I’m waiting for Michael in the parking lot of the school. He promised me to take me to 7-Eleven and play video games in his basement afterwards. I bury my hands in my pockets, my gaze fixed on the door. It doesn’t take long and my best friend exits, smiling at me when he spots me. He accelerates his steps, I give back a smile, chuckling amused when he pulls me into a tight hug as if he didn’t just see me in math class.

“You okay?”, he asks and I nod and it’s not really a lie. It’s gotten easier to smile again, especially when he’s around. It’s fine if I’m distracted. If I’m with him.

Michael gives me a grin when he leans back, patting my back.

“Good. Ready? I thought we can grab a snack and a slushie and then head to my place, my moms aren’t home until later.”

“Sounds good.” We get in the car, Michael turns up the radio and for a while we just listen to it. He quietly hums to himself and I watch him from the side, feeling a wave of adoration coming over me. He was still here, after everything that happened. He still wanted to be with me. I don’t know how I deserve that. Him.

“Thank you, Michael.”

I just need him to know. Michael frowns and casts me a glance, grin spreading on his lips.

“For what?”

A lot. I softly shrug, looking out of the window. For all he did for me in the last weeks. For telling me he would always be there for me, for driving me to school every morning so I don’t have to walk all by myself, for bringing me a slushie after school or texting me in the evening to check if I’m alright. For making me laugh whenever I was spacing off and putting his arm around me when I remember and start trembling. For being the best friend I need right now.

“For... everything.”

“Uhm... no problem. You know I’m always here for you. No matter what it is.” Michael reaches out to me, patting my knee and I smile, nodding softly.

“I know. Just... wanted to say it. Let you know.”

Michael grins and it’s surprisingly easy to return it.

“You’re welcome. I’m happy you’re feeling better. Really. You’re a lot cuter when you smile.”

I feel like my heart skips a beat and promptly the blood rushes to my cheeks. Did he really just say that? He never called me _cute_ before. Is that a thing we do now?

“Uh... thanks?”

He snorts and looks back onto the street. I stare at him, then glance back out of the window. Then turn to him again.

Two months had passed. Two months in which he basically did everything for me. Two months in which I realised that he would always be there. He did all that because we’re best friends, because we know each other since twelve years and after such a long time you just do that, no matter what happened before. At least that’s what I thought.

But what if he’s doing it for another reason? Was that possible? And if, how the hell didn’t I notice that? Am I really that oblivious to things without someone in my head pointing them out to me? I ignore the heavy tug at my heart for once, directing my thoughts back to Michael. Could it be that maybe he stayed so close to me all the time because of another reason?

I swallow, my gaze wandering down from his face to his right hand resting on his leg. I could try to find out. I should.

The memories, the whole thing with the SQUIP still seems so fresh even after two months but I feel like it’s either now or I’ll miss my chance. My chance to be happy. To move on from him.

I take a breath. And reach out for Michael’s hand and grasp it.

He doesn’t look at me, his eyes are fixed on the road, but his lips curl up into a light smile. I lace my fingers through his, squeezing softly. It feels good. _Real_. Maybe this is the right way. Maybe it’s Michael. Maybe it’s us. 


End file.
